Season 1

I Love Lucy S01 E14 – The Amateur Hour

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(OR: Lucy Takes a Horse-Size Birth Control Pill)

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Ballers, bad news: Lucy is fuuuuuuuuucked. She bought a dress on sale, and now she has to “smooch Ricky into it” so she can keep it. Funny, normally you smooch people out of dresses, not into them.

Ethel leaves to “smooch Fred” into letting her keep the plunger she bought. Let’s say it together: Ethel has a shitty life.

Oh, that great deal Lucy got for the dress? It was $59.95 + tax. Today that’s $535.25 + grounds for divorce. Then she complains she has nothing to wear. WOMEN!

What Ethel doesn’t tell Fred is this plunger has a vibrating feature.

What Ethel doesn’t tell Fred is this plunger has a vibrating feature.

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I Love Lucy S01 E13 – The Benefit

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(OR: The one with the actual horse’s ass)

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Ballers, you remember that time you and three other people spent every waking second together, and you never seemed to interact with anyone else, and it sorta felt like you couldn’t escape?

Unless you’re schizophrenic, in jail, or homeschooled, no. No, you don’t remember that.

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I Love Lucy S01 E12 – The Adagio

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(Or: The Racism / Or: The Misogyny )

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Hi Ballers. You ever heard of Apache dancing? I hadn’t. It’s horrible. Let’s get started.

We open on Ethel eating some turds while everyone watches her.

Then the ladies get up to “put on a new face.” Fred crosses his fingers:

Fred: “She goes out to put on a new face and she always comes back with the old one.”

He and Ricky talk about Lucy being naked.

And guys, so far I haven’t made any of this shit up.

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I Love Lucy S01 E11 – Drafted

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(Or: They Said Report to Fort Dix. Get Your Mind Out of the Gutter.)

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Hey, Ballers! Episode 11 already? Sigh. They grow up so quickly.

Let’s do this! 

We open on Lucy sweeping – PHEW! A welcome break from her usual vacuuming! Ethel comes with the mail and Lucy passes over a stack of bills (we know, Lucy, you don’t pay them).

Ethel has read Lucy’s mail, which Lucy despises. She turns all Edward Snowden, talking about how people’s mail is sacred and opening it is a betrayal. Then she opens Ricky’s mail.

Letter: “You are hereby ordered to report to Fort Dix, New Jersey, Monday at 3 o’clock.”

So now Lucy assumes Ricky’s been drafted. As world’s worst friend, Ethel feels nothing. She tells Lucy to go and buy a new hat. As world’s worst wife, Lucy’s like “OK.”

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I Love Lucy S01 E10 – Lucy Is Jealous of Girl Singer

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(Or: Lucy is jealous of girl dancer, because the ho never sings a note.)

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We open on Lucy vacuuming, when Ethel comes in and surprises her, making her scream. Then Lucy – the screaming, vacuuming hypocrite – tells Ethel to be quiet because Ricky’s asleep.

Ethel doesn’t mind. She’s on a high. A schadenfruede-fueled, worst-friend-ever high. She’s giddy because the newspaper says Ricky’s cheating on Lucy with his new showgirl. You know that thrill you get when you find out your closest friend’s life is about to fall apart? Yeah me neither. But Ethel does. Ethel is a sociopath.

Lucy believes her, so she beats the shit out of Ricky with a newspaper like the slimy insect he is. He’s like, HAHAHAHA. Ricky is also a sociopath.

Ricky: I’m as faithful as an old dog.
Lucy: Yeah, old Rover.

We know your type, Ricardo:

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I Love Lucy S01 E09 – The Fur Coat

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(Or: Lucy Has a $31,000 Temper Tantrum)

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We open on Ricky with a big box, like he’s been shopping. Gender role reversal! Lucy must be out watching the fights and scratching herself.

Fred is bent down under the sink fixing the plumbing and making hilarious jokes founded on how funny it would be if he had a vagina.

Ricky stands over Fred and sorta checks out his butt. He tries not to look too gay by making some small talk about how he and Lucy moved in on August 6, 1948, and how he’s glad Fred’s fixing the drain pipe (snicker).

Ethel comes by to say dinner’s ready. You know, something like, “Hey I just made a meal from scratch that I purchased and prepared over the course of the whole day, with a table perfectly set for you. It’s upstairs, and I’d love for you to come enjoy it with me.”

As always Fred knows the perfect thing to say:

Fred: “Stop ordering me around, will ya!?”

Ricky shows them what’s in the box and no, it’s not Gwyneth’s head. Please, that’s the end of a horror movie. This is just the skinned bodies of roughly 70 minks, sewn together.

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I Love Lucy S01 E08 – Men Are Messy

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(Or: Ricky Is Dicky)

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We open this week on applause for the first time! Finally, the American public has figured it out: this show is fucking amazing and it’s going to change the world.

Lucy is totally OCD, straightening the already straight papers and cleaning an already clean house. Please, someone, give her something to do. THIS IS NOT AN APPROPRIATE USE OF ANYONE’S TIME.

Ah, she’s finished. What a lovely living room. Totally worth the sacrifice of your dreams. Well played.

Then Ricky comes in and poops all over everything like a spoiled brat kid who refuses to potty train and needs a damn toy trunk. He leaves trash everywhere, throws his clothes around like a clumsy stripper, and drops food scraps for the dog they don’t have.

He even cracks nuts on the floor. It doesn’t occur to him he can only do that because of how fucking clean the floor already is. Want your nuts cracked, Ricky? I’ll crack your nuts.

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I Love Lucy S01 E07 – The Séance

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(OR: Lucy’s Statue Looked Possessed For a Reason)

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Ballers, it’s been a hard week. We’ve all seen the photos of the demon-hobbit Lucy statue haunting the outskirts of Jamestown. Now we face an episode about spiritualism and the occult. It should go without saying you need to prepare for this post with an exorcism. I’ll wait.

…

OK, with that out of the way, here’s this week’s episode:

Ricky walks into the kitchen, and Lucy’s so distracted by a book she overfills the coffee cup.

That’s 4 out of 7 episodes opening on one of them distracted by reading materials. BE IN THE MOMENT, GUYS. Good thing they didn’t live today or they’d both be walking into the walls glued to Kimmie Schmidt playing on their iPads and missing important meetings because Candy Crush sent them a push notification.

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I Love Lucy S01 E06 – The Audition

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(Or: Lucy Pursues Her Lifelong Dream of Fetching Ricky’s Slippers)

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Why hello, Ballers. I didn’t see you there. Shall we?

This week we open on Ricky sleeping in because he works late at a nightclub and absolutely not because the writers are stereotyping Cuban-Americans. 

Lucy comes in beautiful and ready to face the day. We can assume she’s been up since 7am and has already vacuumed, mopped, and prepared breakfast from scratch. Ricky will not care.

To wake Ricky up, she plays “Babalu” on the conga drum. This is the first time we hear Desi’s signature song on the show, and I’m pretty sure he’s super pissed she gets to sing it before him. At least that might explain why he’s about to be such a total asshole. 

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I Love Lucy S01 E05 – The Quiz Show

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(Or: Lucy Runs Out of Money and Dignity)

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We open on a very busy Lucy, frantically preparing her accounts to show Ricky. She’s terrified. 

Of course she is.

Ballers, I’ve been hinting at this for weeks. Our girl’s a train wreck, and someone needs to give this shopaholic an intervention or Episode 6 will be “Lucy Goes to Bankruptcy Court.”

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