Original Air Date: January 19, 1953
Ballers, this is the first post in Trump’s America. Just as we have all birthed a giant, lady-grabbing baby, so Lucy will now birth one of her own. Grab your favorite hate crime and enjoy!
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I Love Lucy S01 E33 – Lucy’s Schedule
Original air date: May 26, 1952
We open on Ricky pacing around in a suit, fidgeting while Lucy takes her sweet-ass time in the bedroom.
Lucy keeps saying, “I’ll be ready in a minute, dear,” which means an hour because she’s got to put on her makeup, hair products, fake eyelashes, etc. Underneath all the beauty treatments, Lucille Ball was inspiration for The Walking Dead.
“I’ll be ready in a minute, dear.”
I Love Lucy S01 E27 – The Kleptomaniac
(Or: Lucy Steals More Than Your Heart)
**More WTFacts are at this week’s Episode Watch Party.**
Welcome back, Ballers! I hope you’ve had a wonderful week. Shall we?
We open on Lucy flipping pancakes, and y’all, she has mastered it. Girl can crash my brunch any day.
But in this life, even pancakes have to turn to poop eventually, and soon Ethel comes in to ruin everything by bringing Lucy a holy buttload of cash for their club’s bazaar.
I Love Lucy S01 E22 – Fred and Ethel Fight
(Or: FINALLY! Go get yours, Ethel!)
**More WTFacts are at this week’s Episode Watch Party.**
We open on Lucy setting the table for dinner and Ricky playing peekaboo because the guy legit thinks he’s married a 6 month old.
“WHOM is coming to dinner?” Ricky asks, all proud of himself like he checked fucking Grammar Girl or something. Except he clearly didn’t, because WHOM is incorrect.
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I Love Lucy S01 E15 – Lucy Plays Cupid
(OR: Lucy is assaulted twice, then traded on the black market.)
**Wanna keep up? Episode Watch Party!**
Oh my, Ballers. Where do we even start this week? I’m going to start at the beginning, but be warned: there will be a detour. I’ve been waiting for this episode, and dreading it.
I Love Lucy S01 E10 – Lucy Is Jealous of Girl Singer
(Or: Lucy is jealous of girl dancer, because the ho never sings a note.)
**Keep up with the action. Episode watch party!**
We open on Lucy vacuuming, when Ethel comes in and surprises her, making her scream. Then Lucy – the screaming, vacuuming hypocrite – tells Ethel to be quiet because Ricky’s asleep.
Ethel doesn’t mind. She’s on a high. A schadenfruede-fueled, worst-friend-ever high. She’s giddy because the newspaper says Ricky’s cheating on Lucy with his new showgirl. You know that thrill you get when you find out your closest friend’s life is about to fall apart? Yeah me neither. But Ethel does. Ethel is a sociopath.
Lucy believes her, so she beats the shit out of Ricky with a newspaper like the slimy insect he is. He’s like, HAHAHAHA. Ricky is also a sociopath.
Ricky: I’m as faithful as an old dog.
Lucy: Yeah, old Rover.
We know your type, Ricardo:
I Love Lucy S01 E09 – The Fur Coat
(Or: Lucy Has a $31,000 Temper Tantrum)
**Wanna keep up? Episode watch party!**
We open on Ricky with a big box, like he’s been shopping. Gender role reversal! Lucy must be out watching the fights and scratching herself.
Fred is bent down under the sink fixing the plumbing and making hilarious jokes founded on how funny it would be if he had a vagina.
Ricky stands over Fred and sorta checks out his butt. He tries not to look too gay by making some small talk about how he and Lucy moved in on August 6, 1948, and how he’s glad Fred’s fixing the drain pipe (snicker).
Ethel comes by to say dinner’s ready. You know, something like, “Hey I just made a meal from scratch that I purchased and prepared over the course of the whole day, with a table perfectly set for you. It’s upstairs, and I’d love for you to come enjoy it with me.”
As always Fred knows the perfect thing to say:
Fred: “Stop ordering me around, will ya!?”
Ricky shows them what’s in the box and no, it’s not Gwyneth’s head. Please, that’s the end of a horror movie. This is just the skinned bodies of roughly 70 minks, sewn together.
WTF Lucy 