I Love Lucy S02 E11 – Pregnant Women Are Unpredictable

Original Air Date: December 15, 1952

Quick! Get Nancy Grace to hair and makeup!

Because we open on Lucy “taking care” of a practice baby doll. It’s the creepy sort of doll that makes you fear death in a new way. Lucy holds it under her armpit, throws it around, drowns it.

I Love Lucy S02 E11 Lucy with Baby Doll

Considering how much that doll looks like Satan, hold it however you want.

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I Love Lucy S02 E09 – Ricky Loses His Voice

Original Air Date: December 1, 1952

It was 6am when we watched this week’s episode, and that theme song made me want to die. I love this show, but I don’t recommend enjoying it before 10am. It’s like setting “Trump rally” as your wake-up alarm tone.

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I Love Lucy S02 E06 – Vacation from Marriage

Original Air Date: October 27, 1952

We open on Lucy sitting at the table dreaming of a better life, or at least a better apron.

I Love Lucy S02 E6 Lucy in apron

“Take off the housedress underneath and we’d have a make it work moment.” — Tim Gunn

She’s going through a deep existential crisis: she’s bored with her predictable routine. In fact, she tells Ethel, she can predict everything Ricky will do every morning. It’s “tragic,” she calls it.

Gay people and interracial couples in the 1950s are like LOL yeah must be the worst.

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I Love Lucy S02 E03 – The Anniversary Present

Original Air Date: September 29, 1952

We open on Ricky sleeping in while Lucy brings coffee to the painters outside the window. For a minute there it looks like she might jump. But Ricky wants his breakfast, as in now. He saves her life.

I wish we could watch Lucy make him that breakfast, but instead we have to watch Ricky dial one of those old rotary phones. Those phones take forever. By the time he’s done, the Academy has nominated a black woman for Best Director. It literally takes centuries.

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I Love Lucy S01 E34 – Ricky Thinks He’s Going Bald

Original air date: June 2, 1952

Well, Ballers, we’re back with episode 34.

Yes, that’s 34. We get it, Lucy, you were an overachiever. But 35 episodes in your first season? With some of them filmed while pregnant? You’re making James Franco look like a lazy disappointment.

We open on Lucy primping before bed. She’s getting crow’s feet and she knows it, but like any self-assured woman, she copes with her own mortality by telling her husband he’s going bald.

Ricky realizes she may be right, and he becomes a bit obsessed.

Ricky: It’s thick enough on top, but gee that hairline.
Lucy: And they say women are vain. (Later) Come back to bed, baldy.

Ricky, you worry about your hairline? Try the expectation that you’ll pluck every damn hair from your body until you look like a 9-yr-old. Then apply dyes and chemicals to your face, nails, and hair. Finally, put torture devices on your feet so men will simultaneously take you more seriously while sexualizing you, and then get back to me.

Or maybe I’m just self conscious because I haven’t showered in 4 days.

Donald Trump as a Cuban. Mind BLOWN.

A Cuban Donald Trump. Mind BLOWN.

The next day, Ricky’s gone kinda crazy. He’s wearing a hat, and he wants to get out of there so badly he doesn’t even chew his grapefruit. Dude, maybe savor the moment a bit and you’ll keep your hair for longer.

Lucy puts on a man’s hat, too, and then catches the toast with it. These people will spend like five months’ rent on a stupid bet, but they won’t buy a new toaster? Thing’s a fire hazard.

This shot was hilarious back in 1952. Now it’s just standard Zooey Deschanel costuming.

This shot was hilarious back in 1952. Now it’s just standard Zooey Deschanel costuming.

After Ricky leaves, Lucy expresses to Fred and Ethel how worried she is for him.

Fred: It’s no laughing matter, Ethel. I should know, now that my hairline is starting to recede.

Fred believes he’s got a full head of hair, and he’s also preeeetty sure the pyramids were built to store grain.

Lots of Republican jokes today, guys. They’re making it easy.

Lucy decides to give Ricky scalp treatments so drastic he’ll stop worrying about it.

Lucy: You haven’t heard of The Lucy Ricardo Torture System of Hair Restoring.

We haven’t heard of it, Lucy, that’s true, but we imagined it the minute we read the title of this episode.

Lucy goes to a hair shop run by Benedict Cumberbatch’s evil older brother. He offers her vibrators, suction devices, and agitators. If Lucy were a good friend, she’d get one of those vibrators for Ethel. Instead, she decides the options are just too drastic and leaves.

Playing the hair guy tonight: Benedict COMB-berbatch!!! I had to.

Playing the hair guy tonight: Benedict COMB-berbatch!!! I had to.

So Lucy reconvenes with Ethel, and they decide to throw a giant bald-headed man party. They name it: The Republican Convention. SHAZAAM!

She calls up Cumberbatch and he brings 3 bald men, with 6 more coming: Mr. Johnson, Mr. Miller, and Mr. Davis. In case it wasn’t clear, this show is white.

She pays them $10 each, which costs her whole emergency fund. Note: she spends 5x that amount every episode.

That’s when Fred shows up in a toupee.

Ethel’s like, Lucy, why the hell didn’t you buy me that vibrator, suction device, and/or agitator!?

Ethel’s like, Lucy, why the hell didn’t you buy me that vibrator, suction device, and/or agitator!?

I’m still super confused why Lucy’s throwing this shindig. What’s Ricky gonna think in a room full of bald people? “Oh look, there’s me in a few years?!” Smart.

But Ricky can’t get there because of work, so Lucy’s stuck with her original torture treatment idea.

First she puts oil and vinegar on his hair, then eggs. I should point out this is an actual treatment. I’ve done it. Just like I’ve plucked my eyebrows, worn a corset, and waxed my nethers. If Ricky thinks he’s got it bad, he can go fuck himself.

Then she gives him a stocking to put on his head, but he misunderstands and puts it on his legs. And we’re all having such a good time watching him struggle for like 2 seconds. For further thoughts, please see the previous paragraph.

No, YOU’RE the one who thinks he looks like Newt Gingrich.

No, YOU’RE the one who thinks he looks like Newt Gingrich.

Eventually she dumps cake batter all over him, puts the stocking on, and tells him to bake for 20 minutes, then repeat the whole thing every other night.

While I’ve never done that particular beauty treatment, I would if I found out it would fix split ends. Also, when it’s over you have cake!

Ricky ends the show by doubling down:

Ricky: I think we ought to do it every night! Then my hair will grow in faster!

And for a brief moment, with that beautiful, fleeting line, we get to enjoy a man on this show being the idiot for once. Take a deep breath and let yourself feel it. We won’t get it back again for a long, long time.

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Join me next week for S01 E35: Ricky Asks for a Raise. New posts every Friday!

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Probably not the first time someone’s been plunged in that kitchen.

Probably not the first time someone’s been plunged in that kitchen.

I Love Lucy S01 E30 – Lucy Does a TV Commercial

Original air date: May 5, 1952

Ballers, after many weeks of watching Fred call his wife fat, listening to Ricky sing even when we weren’t that into him, and begging Lucy to suck it up and start her own YouTube channel, we arrive at my very favorite episode: “Lucy Does a TV Commercial.”

Somehow in 1952, writers and performers had a lot more stamina. This is episode 30, and we’re STILL not through with Season 1! There’s 35 of these suckers. Too bad the gang didn’t get addicted to Vitameatavegamin and disappear for a few weeks. We could all use the break.

But we keep pressing on. So sit back, relax, and grab some alcohol and/or medicine. It’s happy hour somewhere!
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