I Love Lucy S02 E09 – Ricky Loses His Voice

Original Air Date: December 1, 1952

It was 6am when we watched this week’s episode, and that theme song made me want to die. I love this show, but I don’t recommend enjoying it before 10am. It’s like setting “Trump rally” as your wake-up alarm tone.

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I Love Lucy S02 E01 – Job Switching

Original air date: September 15, 1952

We’re on Season 2! OMG OMG!

We open on:

Ricky: LUCY!
Lucy: Is that you, sweetie pie? Gee, I’m glad you’re home!

Ricky’s mad and Lucy’s in love. He just doesn’t deserve her.

He’s pissed because she keeps overdrawing her account. That’s because in the second season we delve into Lucy’s addictions to hookers and blow.

S02 E01 Ricky Mad at Lucy

I feel the same as Ricky whenever I see people dressed in a shirt as ugly as Lucy’s.

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I Love Lucy S01 E34 – Ricky Thinks He’s Going Bald

Original air date: June 2, 1952

Well, Ballers, we’re back with episode 34.

Yes, that’s 34. We get it, Lucy, you were an overachiever. But 35 episodes in your first season? With some of them filmed while pregnant? You’re making James Franco look like a lazy disappointment.

We open on Lucy primping before bed. She’s getting crow’s feet and she knows it, but like any self-assured woman, she copes with her own mortality by telling her husband he’s going bald.

Ricky realizes she may be right, and he becomes a bit obsessed.

Ricky: It’s thick enough on top, but gee that hairline.
Lucy: And they say women are vain. (Later) Come back to bed, baldy.

Ricky, you worry about your hairline? Try the expectation that you’ll pluck every damn hair from your body until you look like a 9-yr-old. Then apply dyes and chemicals to your face, nails, and hair. Finally, put torture devices on your feet so men will simultaneously take you more seriously while sexualizing you, and then get back to me.

Or maybe I’m just self conscious because I haven’t showered in 4 days.

Donald Trump as a Cuban. Mind BLOWN.

A Cuban Donald Trump. Mind BLOWN.

The next day, Ricky’s gone kinda crazy. He’s wearing a hat, and he wants to get out of there so badly he doesn’t even chew his grapefruit. Dude, maybe savor the moment a bit and you’ll keep your hair for longer.

Lucy puts on a man’s hat, too, and then catches the toast with it. These people will spend like five months’ rent on a stupid bet, but they won’t buy a new toaster? Thing’s a fire hazard.

This shot was hilarious back in 1952. Now it’s just standard Zooey Deschanel costuming.

This shot was hilarious back in 1952. Now it’s just standard Zooey Deschanel costuming.

After Ricky leaves, Lucy expresses to Fred and Ethel how worried she is for him.

Fred: It’s no laughing matter, Ethel. I should know, now that my hairline is starting to recede.

Fred believes he’s got a full head of hair, and he’s also preeeetty sure the pyramids were built to store grain.

Lots of Republican jokes today, guys. They’re making it easy.

Lucy decides to give Ricky scalp treatments so drastic he’ll stop worrying about it.

Lucy: You haven’t heard of The Lucy Ricardo Torture System of Hair Restoring.

We haven’t heard of it, Lucy, that’s true, but we imagined it the minute we read the title of this episode.

Lucy goes to a hair shop run by Benedict Cumberbatch’s evil older brother. He offers her vibrators, suction devices, and agitators. If Lucy were a good friend, she’d get one of those vibrators for Ethel. Instead, she decides the options are just too drastic and leaves.

Playing the hair guy tonight: Benedict COMB-berbatch!!! I had to.

Playing the hair guy tonight: Benedict COMB-berbatch!!! I had to.

So Lucy reconvenes with Ethel, and they decide to throw a giant bald-headed man party. They name it: The Republican Convention. SHAZAAM!

She calls up Cumberbatch and he brings 3 bald men, with 6 more coming: Mr. Johnson, Mr. Miller, and Mr. Davis. In case it wasn’t clear, this show is white.

She pays them $10 each, which costs her whole emergency fund. Note: she spends 5x that amount every episode.

That’s when Fred shows up in a toupee.

Ethel’s like, Lucy, why the hell didn’t you buy me that vibrator, suction device, and/or agitator!?

Ethel’s like, Lucy, why the hell didn’t you buy me that vibrator, suction device, and/or agitator!?

I’m still super confused why Lucy’s throwing this shindig. What’s Ricky gonna think in a room full of bald people? “Oh look, there’s me in a few years?!” Smart.

But Ricky can’t get there because of work, so Lucy’s stuck with her original torture treatment idea.

First she puts oil and vinegar on his hair, then eggs. I should point out this is an actual treatment. I’ve done it. Just like I’ve plucked my eyebrows, worn a corset, and waxed my nethers. If Ricky thinks he’s got it bad, he can go fuck himself.

Then she gives him a stocking to put on his head, but he misunderstands and puts it on his legs. And we’re all having such a good time watching him struggle for like 2 seconds. For further thoughts, please see the previous paragraph.

No, YOU’RE the one who thinks he looks like Newt Gingrich.

No, YOU’RE the one who thinks he looks like Newt Gingrich.

Eventually she dumps cake batter all over him, puts the stocking on, and tells him to bake for 20 minutes, then repeat the whole thing every other night.

While I’ve never done that particular beauty treatment, I would if I found out it would fix split ends. Also, when it’s over you have cake!

Ricky ends the show by doubling down:

Ricky: I think we ought to do it every night! Then my hair will grow in faster!

And for a brief moment, with that beautiful, fleeting line, we get to enjoy a man on this show being the idiot for once. Take a deep breath and let yourself feel it. We won’t get it back again for a long, long time.

Join me next week for S01 E35: Ricky Asks for a Raise. New posts every Friday!

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Probably not the first time someone’s been plunged in that kitchen.

Probably not the first time someone’s been plunged in that kitchen.

I Love Lucy S01 E33 – Lucy’s Schedule

Original air date: May 26, 1952

We open on Ricky pacing around in a suit, fidgeting while Lucy takes her sweet-ass time in the bedroom.

Lucy keeps saying, “I’ll be ready in a minute, dear,” which means an hour because she’s got to put on her makeup, hair products, fake eyelashes, etc. Underneath all the beauty treatments, Lucille Ball was inspiration for The Walking Dead.

“I’ll be ready in a minute, dear.”

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I Love Lucy S01 E29 – The Freezer

(Or: The One with the Meat Jokes)

Original air date: April 28, 1952

As I said on the WTF Lucy Facebook page, we have now entered the high holy days of I Love Lucy. This week, we celebrate “The Freezer” — one of the best written sitcom episodes ever. I actually studied this episode in my first TV writing class.

Next week we’ll observe the most sacred Lucy day of the year: the day “Lucy Does a TV Commercial.” You may know it best as the Viteameatavegamin episode. However you traditionally celebrate, here’s wishing you and your families a very happy holiday. Save me some leftovers.

We open on Ricky and Lucy in the kitchen, where Ricky is once again unhappy with his breakfast.

Ricky: Just two eggs? Where’s the bacon?! They look absolutely naked!
Lucy: Well look the other way when you eat them.

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I Love Lucy S01 E25 – Pioneer Women

(Or Lucy Becomes a Barista)

**More WTFacts are at this week’s Episode Watch Party.**

We open on Lucy doing the dishes and singing. Life is great! After all, Lucy and Ethel may have a chance to join the Society Matron’s League!

This is a “cream of society” group that gets together to discuss, I presume, how the younger generation makes their tea sandwiches incorrectly and how “urban” the Upper West Side has been getting lately.

Lucy’s concerned about shaking their hands, not because these women sound like constipated troll-beasts, but because of all the dishwashing Lucy’s endured over the years. She does the math:

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I Love Lucy S01 E08 – Men Are Messy

(Or: Ricky Is Dicky)

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We open this week on applause for the first time! Finally, the American public has figured it out: this show is fucking amazing and it’s going to change the world.

Lucy is totally OCD, straightening the already straight papers and cleaning an already clean house. Please, someone, give her something to do. THIS IS NOT AN APPROPRIATE USE OF ANYONE’S TIME.

Ah, she’s finished. What a lovely living room. Totally worth the sacrifice of your dreams. Well played.

Then Ricky comes in and poops all over everything like a spoiled brat kid who refuses to potty train and needs a damn toy trunk. He leaves trash everywhere, throws his clothes around like a clumsy stripper, and drops food scraps for the dog they don’t have.

He even cracks nuts on the floor. It doesn’t occur to him he can only do that because of how fucking clean the floor already is. Want your nuts cracked, Ricky? I’ll crack your nuts.

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