piano

I Love Lucy S02 E12 – Lucy’s Show Biz Swan Song

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Thank you for your patience, Ballers! I’ve been MIA trying to get another project up and launched. When you’re done reading this week’s post, head on over to Red, White, and Dad. It’s a weekly comedy show following my dad’s actual presidential campaign for The Constitution Party.

And now, finally, here’s this week’s episode…

Original Air Date: December 22, 1952

We open on Ricky trying to cast a quartet but not wanting to pay for it. He wants free labor, which some of you may call “slavery” but those of us in the know call “show business.”

Fred and Ethel offer to perform as “The Merry Mertzes,” which they showed us in E09. “Merry” must be a musical term for “hostile and spouse-hating” because that’s what I think of when I see these two together. They have as much chemistry as the movie version of Christian Grey and that girl Christian’s into. No one ever talks about her so I don’t know her name, and if I ever google that shit, you’ll know it’s time to get me 24/7 care. 

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I Love Lucy S02 E09 – Ricky Loses His Voice

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Original Air Date: December 1, 1952

It was 6am when we watched this week’s episode, and that theme song made me want to die. I love this show, but I don’t recommend enjoying it before 10am. It’s like setting “Trump rally” as your wake-up alarm tone.

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I Love Lucy S02 E05 – The Operetta

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Original Air Date: October 13, 1952

We open on a henhouse of women going “clickety clackety.” I think the script literally said, “Jabber on about lady stuff, etc.”

But Lucy didn’t have quite as good a time as her guests.

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I Love Lucy S01 E19 – The Ballet

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OR: Lucy Shows Her Stems

Happy Friday, Ballers!

Enough with the chit chat.

We open on Ricky looking through a bunch of papers as the rest of the gang enters. Lucy wants him to hurry up because “the picture starts at 8:22.” That’s awfully specific. Was that really how it worked back in the 50s? No wonder people hate millennials. A millennial hears “8:22” and has a panic attack mixed with a peanut allergy.

Ricky can’t go, though. He’s having trouble finding acts. He needs a ballerina and two comics.

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I Love Lucy S01 E18 – Breaking the Lease

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(Or: Lucy and Ricky do something together for once)

Welcome back, my dear Ballers. I’ve missed you like Ethel misses singlehood. Let’s dive in.

We open on our typical Ricardo-Mertz double date. Everyone’s standing around the piano singing “I want a girl just like the girl that married dear old Dad.” Freud’s like, “Yeah, I know! I’ve been saying this for decades!”

Those lyrics are creepy as hell. Here’s the first verse of that song (emphasis mine):

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I Love Lucy S01 E13 – The Benefit

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(OR: The one with the actual horse’s ass)

**Wanna keep up? Episode watch party!**

Ballers, you remember that time you and three other people spent every waking second together, and you never seemed to interact with anyone else, and it sorta felt like you couldn’t escape?

Unless you’re schizophrenic, in jail, or homeschooled, no. No, you don’t remember that.

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I Love Lucy S01 E10 – Lucy Is Jealous of Girl Singer

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(Or: Lucy is jealous of girl dancer, because the ho never sings a note.)

**Keep up with the action. Episode watch party!**

We open on Lucy vacuuming, when Ethel comes in and surprises her, making her scream. Then Lucy – the screaming, vacuuming hypocrite – tells Ethel to be quiet because Ricky’s asleep.

Ethel doesn’t mind. She’s on a high. A schadenfruede-fueled, worst-friend-ever high. She’s giddy because the newspaper says Ricky’s cheating on Lucy with his new showgirl. You know that thrill you get when you find out your closest friend’s life is about to fall apart? Yeah me neither. But Ethel does. Ethel is a sociopath.

Lucy believes her, so she beats the shit out of Ricky with a newspaper like the slimy insect he is. He’s like, HAHAHAHA. Ricky is also a sociopath.

Ricky: I’m as faithful as an old dog.
Lucy: Yeah, old Rover.

We know your type, Ricardo:

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