dancing

I Love Lucy S02 E12 – Lucy’s Show Biz Swan Song

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Thank you for your patience, Ballers! I’ve been MIA trying to get another project up and launched. When you’re done reading this week’s post, head on over to Red, White, and Dad. It’s a weekly comedy show following my dad’s actual presidential campaign for The Constitution Party.

And now, finally, here’s this week’s episode…

Original Air Date: December 22, 1952

We open on Ricky trying to cast a quartet but not wanting to pay for it. He wants free labor, which some of you may call “slavery” but those of us in the know call “show business.”

Fred and Ethel offer to perform as “The Merry Mertzes,” which they showed us in E09. “Merry” must be a musical term for “hostile and spouse-hating” because that’s what I think of when I see these two together. They have as much chemistry as the movie version of Christian Grey and that girl Christian’s into. No one ever talks about her so I don’t know her name, and if I ever google that shit, you’ll know it’s time to get me 24/7 care. 

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I Love Lucy S02 E11 – Pregnant Women Are Unpredictable

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Original Air Date: December 15, 1952

Quick! Get Nancy Grace to hair and makeup!

Because we open on Lucy “taking care” of a practice baby doll. It’s the creepy sort of doll that makes you fear death in a new way. Lucy holds it under her armpit, throws it around, drowns it.

I Love Lucy S02 E11 Lucy with Baby Doll

Considering how much that doll looks like Satan, hold it however you want.

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I Love Lucy S02 E09 – Ricky Loses His Voice

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Original Air Date: December 1, 1952

It was 6am when we watched this week’s episode, and that theme song made me want to die. I love this show, but I don’t recommend enjoying it before 10am. It’s like setting “Trump rally” as your wake-up alarm tone.

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I Love Lucy S01 E28 – Cuban Pals

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(Or: Lucy Tries to Help Trump Build a Wall)

Original air date: April 21, 1952

Ballers, did you see the debate? No, not the Republican debate. I mean the debate over who should play Ricky in the new Lucy biopic. I suppose if it can’t be me (and it can’t), one of those guys would do.

We open on Lucy fixing the flowers because her life is interesting. She’s also setting up hors d’oeuvres. (I HATE the phrase “hors d’oeuvres.” It’s impossible. I almost took up French just so I didn’t feel stupid trying to spell it. My dad calls them “horse divers.” I prefer the spelling “Whore Dervs,” which is also the name of my favorite slutty diesel engine road vehicle.)

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I Love Lucy S01 E20 – The Young Fans

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(Or: Stalking can be fun!)

**Get the background story at this week’s Episode Watch Party.**

Happy 20th episode, Ballers! We open on Lucy reading a New York Times about Hitler.

Actually, the person on the cover is Gen. Sir Gerald Templer, who was put in charge of British forces in 1952 during the “Malayan Emergency.” But, being Jewish, I can’t go five sentences without mentioning Hitler.

Lucy is a highly educated woman with a strong handle on world affairs... as long as Ricky's not looking.

Lucy is a highly educated woman with a strong handle on world affairs… as long as Ricky’s not looking.

Ricky comes in totally creeped out by a perverted teenage psychopath named Peggy. She lives next door, she’s “like a spook,” and she’s legit stalking him. Lucy thinks it’s hilarious, and reminds Ricky that teenage girls are totally unreasonable.

I used to have a massive crush on Ricky myself, and considering he was a) fictional and b) 80 years old by that point, I have to side with Lucy on this.

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I Love Lucy S01 E19 – The Ballet

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OR: Lucy Shows Her Stems

Happy Friday, Ballers!

Enough with the chit chat.

We open on Ricky looking through a bunch of papers as the rest of the gang enters. Lucy wants him to hurry up because “the picture starts at 8:22.” That’s awfully specific. Was that really how it worked back in the 50s? No wonder people hate millennials. A millennial hears “8:22” and has a panic attack mixed with a peanut allergy.

Ricky can’t go, though. He’s having trouble finding acts. He needs a ballerina and two comics.

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I Love Lucy S01 E18 – Breaking the Lease

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(Or: Lucy and Ricky do something together for once)

Welcome back, my dear Ballers. I’ve missed you like Ethel misses singlehood. Let’s dive in.

We open on our typical Ricardo-Mertz double date. Everyone’s standing around the piano singing “I want a girl just like the girl that married dear old Dad.” Freud’s like, “Yeah, I know! I’ve been saying this for decades!”

Those lyrics are creepy as hell. Here’s the first verse of that song (emphasis mine):

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I Love Lucy S01 E16 – Lucy Fakes Illness

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(Or: 26 minutes of terrible psychiatric advice)

**Get Your WTFacts Here!**

Hi, Ballers! I’m so excited for this week. For the first time in a while, this week’s episode doesn’t involve any serious abuse or torture. Well Fred tortures a few jokes, but that’s about it.

It DOES however, involve unapologetic, unrelenting false information about the human brain. Let’s break down this breakdown.

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I Love Lucy S01 E14 – The Amateur Hour

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(OR: Lucy Takes a Horse-Size Birth Control Pill)

**Wanna keep up? Episode watch party!**

Ballers, bad news: Lucy is fuuuuuuuuucked. She bought a dress on sale, and now she has to “smooch Ricky into it” so she can keep it. Funny, normally you smooch people out of dresses, not into them.

Ethel leaves to “smooch Fred” into letting her keep the plunger she bought. Let’s say it together: Ethel has a shitty life.

Oh, that great deal Lucy got for the dress? It was $59.95 + tax. Today that’s $535.25 + grounds for divorce. Then she complains she has nothing to wear. WOMEN!

What Ethel doesn’t tell Fred is this plunger has a vibrating feature.

What Ethel doesn’t tell Fred is this plunger has a vibrating feature.

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I Love Lucy S01 E13 – The Benefit

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(OR: The one with the actual horse’s ass)

**Wanna keep up? Episode watch party!**

Ballers, you remember that time you and three other people spent every waking second together, and you never seemed to interact with anyone else, and it sorta felt like you couldn’t escape?

Unless you’re schizophrenic, in jail, or homeschooled, no. No, you don’t remember that.

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