Original Air Date: January 19, 1953
Ballers, this is the first post in Trump’s America. Just as we have all birthed a giant, lady-grabbing baby, so Lucy will now birth one of her own. Grab your favorite hate crime and enjoy!
cigarettes
I Love Lucy S02 E04 – The Handcuffs
Original Air Date: October 6, 1952
OK, I know what you’re thinking. An episode titled “The Handcuffs?” Let me guess, we’re gonna get like 20 jokes about kinky sex.
Nope.
It’ll be more like 30!
I Love Lucy S01 E30 – Lucy Does a TV Commercial
Original air date: May 5, 1952
Ballers, after many weeks of watching Fred call his wife fat, listening to Ricky sing even when we weren’t that into him, and begging Lucy to suck it up and start her own YouTube channel, we arrive at my very favorite episode: “Lucy Does a TV Commercial.”
Somehow in 1952, writers and performers had a lot more stamina. This is episode 30, and we’re STILL not through with Season 1! There’s 35 of these suckers. Too bad the gang didn’t get addicted to Vitameatavegamin and disappear for a few weeks. We could all use the break.
But we keep pressing on. So sit back, relax, and grab some alcohol and/or medicine. It’s happy hour somewhere!
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I Love Lucy S01 E28 – Cuban Pals
(Or: Lucy Tries to Help Trump Build a Wall)
Original air date: April 21, 1952
Ballers, did you see the debate? No, not the Republican debate. I mean the debate over who should play Ricky in the new Lucy biopic. I suppose if it can’t be me (and it can’t), one of those guys would do.
We open on Lucy fixing the flowers because her life is interesting. She’s also setting up hors d’oeuvres. (I HATE the phrase “hors d’oeuvres.” It’s impossible. I almost took up French just so I didn’t feel stupid trying to spell it. My dad calls them “horse divers.” I prefer the spelling “Whore Dervs,” which is also the name of my favorite slutty diesel engine road vehicle.)
I Love Lucy S01 E19 – The Ballet
OR: Lucy Shows Her Stems
Happy Friday, Ballers!
Enough with the chit chat.
We open on Ricky looking through a bunch of papers as the rest of the gang enters. Lucy wants him to hurry up because “the picture starts at 8:22.” That’s awfully specific. Was that really how it worked back in the 50s? No wonder people hate millennials. A millennial hears “8:22” and has a panic attack mixed with a peanut allergy.
Ricky can’t go, though. He’s having trouble finding acts. He needs a ballerina and two comics.
I Love Lucy S01 E18 – Breaking the Lease
(Or: Lucy and Ricky do something together for once)
Welcome back, my dear Ballers. I’ve missed you like Ethel misses singlehood. Let’s dive in.
We open on our typical Ricardo-Mertz double date. Everyone’s standing around the piano singing “I want a girl just like the girl that married dear old Dad.” Freud’s like, “Yeah, I know! I’ve been saying this for decades!”
Those lyrics are creepy as hell. Here’s the first verse of that song (emphasis mine):
I Love Lucy S01 E16 – Lucy Fakes Illness
(Or: 26 minutes of terrible psychiatric advice)
Hi, Ballers! I’m so excited for this week. For the first time in a while, this week’s episode doesn’t involve any serious abuse or torture. Well Fred tortures a few jokes, but that’s about it.
It DOES however, involve unapologetic, unrelenting false information about the human brain. Let’s break down this breakdown.
I Love Lucy S01 E12 – The Adagio
(Or: The Racism / Or: The Misogyny )
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Hi Ballers. You ever heard of Apache dancing? I hadn’t. It’s horrible. Let’s get started.
We open on Ethel eating some turds while everyone watches her.
Then the ladies get up to “put on a new face.” Fred crosses his fingers:
Fred: “She goes out to put on a new face and she always comes back with the old one.”
He and Ricky talk about Lucy being naked.
And guys, so far I haven’t made any of this shit up.
I Love Lucy S01 E08 – Men Are Messy
(Or: Ricky Is Dicky)
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We open this week on applause for the first time! Finally, the American public has figured it out: this show is fucking amazing and it’s going to change the world.
Lucy is totally OCD, straightening the already straight papers and cleaning an already clean house. Please, someone, give her something to do. THIS IS NOT AN APPROPRIATE USE OF ANYONE’S TIME.
Ah, she’s finished. What a lovely living room. Totally worth the sacrifice of your dreams. Well played.
Then Ricky comes in and poops all over everything like a spoiled brat kid who refuses to potty train and needs a damn toy trunk. He leaves trash everywhere, throws his clothes around like a clumsy stripper, and drops food scraps for the dog they don’t have.
He even cracks nuts on the floor. It doesn’t occur to him he can only do that because of how fucking clean the floor already is. Want your nuts cracked, Ricky? I’ll crack your nuts.
I Love Lucy S01 E06 – The Audition
(Or: Lucy Pursues Her Lifelong Dream of Fetching Ricky’s Slippers)
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Why hello, Ballers. I didn’t see you there. Shall we?
This week we open on Ricky sleeping in because he works late at a nightclub and absolutely not because the writers are stereotyping Cuban-Americans.
Lucy comes in beautiful and ready to face the day. We can assume she’s been up since 7am and has already vacuumed, mopped, and prepared breakfast from scratch. Ricky will not care.
To wake Ricky up, she plays “Babalu” on the conga drum. This is the first time we hear Desi’s signature song on the show, and I’m pretty sure he’s super pissed she gets to sing it before him. At least that might explain why he’s about to be such a total asshole.
