Original Air Date: November 24, 1952
We open on Ricky sleeping under a Look Magazine, which sort of cancels out the whole point of that publication.
The women are at a home show to tour model homes with beautiful new furniture. Fred says it always makes the ladies unhappy to see better homes than theirs – as opposed to bored, which is what it should make any normal human being.
But the guys know what will cheer up anyone: Tickets to opening night of the latest Rodgers and Hammerstein show.
(Or: Lucy Kisses Dating Goodbye)
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We open on Lucy cleaning out the desk, and underneath the receipts for freestanding bathtubs, bellydancing costumes, and other super useless items she’s bought this month, she finds her and Ricky’s marriage license.
Lucy (reading): On this day, Lucille Esmeralda McGillicuddy was married to Ricky… Bicardi?
And in zero to sixty, Lucy enters full freakout.
You know, she’s really doing this wrong. She might be the heiress to the Bacardi fortune. That’s a LOT of money. My rum and cokes alone would cover the freestanding bathtub and then some.
(Or: Lucy writes two plays)
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OMG, Ballers. OMG OMG. This week Lucy writes a play. And when I’m not making the big bucks writing Lucy satire, I have a lucrative career as a playwright.
This is going to be so. much. fun.
We open on Lucy surrounded by books and a typewriter. It looks like “Lucy Goes to Medical School” but that episode never happened because it would have been a break in natural law.
(Or: Ricky Is Dicky)
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We open this week on applause for the first time! Finally, the American public has figured it out: this show is fucking amazing and it’s going to change the world.
Lucy is totally OCD, straightening the already straight papers and cleaning an already clean house. Please, someone, give her something to do. THIS IS NOT AN APPROPRIATE USE OF ANYONE’S TIME.
Ah, she’s finished. What a lovely living room. Totally worth the sacrifice of your dreams. Well played.
Then Ricky comes in and poops all over everything like a spoiled brat kid who refuses to potty train and needs a damn toy trunk. He leaves trash everywhere, throws his clothes around like a clumsy stripper, and drops food scraps for the dog they don’t have.
He even cracks nuts on the floor. It doesn’t occur to him he can only do that because of how fucking clean the floor already is. Want your nuts cracked, Ricky? I’ll crack your nuts.
(Or: Lucy Runs Out of Money and Dignity)
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We open on a very busy Lucy, frantically preparing her accounts to show Ricky. She’s terrified.
Of course she is.
Ballers, I’ve been hinting at this for weeks. Our girl’s a train wreck, and someone needs to give this shopaholic an intervention or Episode 6 will be “Lucy Goes to Bankruptcy Court.”
WTF Lucy 