(Or: Lucy Kisses Dating Goodbye)
**More WTFacts are at this week’s Episode Watch Party.**
We open on Lucy cleaning out the desk, and underneath the receipts for freestanding bathtubs, bellydancing costumes, and other super useless items she’s bought this month, she finds her and Ricky’s marriage license.
Lucy (reading): On this day, Lucille Esmeralda McGillicuddy was married to Ricky… Bicardi?
And in zero to sixty, Lucy enters full freakout.
You know, she’s really doing this wrong. She might be the heiress to the Bacardi fortune. That’s a LOT of money. My rum and cokes alone would cover the freestanding bathtub and then some.
Ricky comes in and he’s super confused. Why is his wife crying? Should he spank her? Did he already spank her and forget about it?
Lucy now thinks they’ve never been married. Good thing they slept in that twin bed set this whole time!!! God knows they came close to consummating this sucker, but they’ve shown great restraint over the last 10 years.
Ricky tries to appease her, but Lucy calls City Hall instead and rushes downtown.
In her defense, NY State is crazy bureaucratic. I lived there for 7 years, and I’m pretty sure I still owe them forms 14709-AB and 14709-BA.
Fred comes in disappointed. He tried to look for an error on his marriage license, but sadly they spelled his name right.
Fred: I thought I could worm out on a technicality.
Ugh just commit adultery and get a divorce already. Seriously this is not that hard. Although speaking of not that hard… I suppose I shouldn’t assume having an affair is that easy for you, Fred. My bad.
Ricky decides to fool Lucy into thinking they’re not really married. Just for a gag. I mean, who does that?
Ricky, for 10 years this woman’s been your personal assistant, chef, and maid. She waits on you hand and foot, and all she’s ever asked for is a solo in your damn show.
Why would you suddenly torment her? This is emotional abuse. This is a Lifetime movie. You better hope she doesn’t go on a trip out west and meet a cowboy who makes his own pottery.
Hours later, poor Lucy finally gets home. Turns out she did what any woman does when she’s lost all sense of reality and virtue: She went to New Jersey!
Ricky feels too horrible to tell her the truth, so now she says they have to get married again, starting with the proposal. And then she gets up to leave:
Lucy: My dear Mr. Ricardo, surely you don’t expect me to sleep here. You’re a bachelor, remember?
That’s right, Ricky. No trying to cuddle through the sheets of your two beds tonight. And to think you were almost at second base!
So they go to Connecticut, where 10 years ago Ricky brought a picnic and proposed on a bench. Everything’s the same except Ricky’s attitude and their butt sizes — they don’t fit on the bench.
Ricky’s a nightmare. He complains constantly, says rude things, and takes everything for granted. He’s like FOX News when a democrat’s up for reelection.
Lucy eventually comes to her senses and runs off.
The next whole bit takes up the rest of the show and is just so much fun. You can probably find it here.
Basically they wind up at a hotel where the “innkeeper” Mr. Willoughby plays every other role in town just by changing his hat.
Ricky signs in for them, and Lucy scratches it out to get her own room until they’re married, Southern Baptist style.
Innkeeper to Lucy: Good girl!
Innkeeper to Ricky: You cad!
And since Ricky has no money, he sleeps on a chair made out of his own regrets.
The next morning, Ricky tells Mr. Willoughby he wants to marry Lucy, but she won’t have him. Sure, Ricky, that’s the whole story here.
So Mr. Willoughby turns into the “justice of the peace” and calls his wife down to watch Ricky propose.
You know those amazing viral videos of guys proposing in some elaborate, romantic way? This is the opposite.
But Lucy is horny and desperate. She leaves and comes back in her wedding gown and veil. Ricky proposes again because suddenly he realizes oh shit she’s actually way, way, way too good for him.
To start the wedding, Mrs. Willoughby sings a song… by which I mean she honks a train whistle and kills all the birds. I mean, holy hell, this is worse than “MMMBop.” And Ricky, with all his musical talent, is forced to listen to it. Only thing more unbearable than this performance would be the same performance, but in New Jersey.
Lucy and Ricky finally get married, though. So now they can rush back home to those sexy, sexy twin beds.
You know, something tells me Lucy needs more than that. She really seems like the role-play type. Secretary fantasies, that sort of thing.
And it all comes full circle! Now we know why she was cleaning up the desk!
Join me next week for S01 E27: The Kleptomaniac. New posts every Friday!