Original Air Date: December 15, 1952
Quick! Get Nancy Grace to hair and makeup!
Because we open on Lucy “taking care” of a practice baby doll. It’s the creepy sort of doll that makes you fear death in a new way. Lucy holds it under her armpit, throws it around, drowns it.
Considering how much that doll looks like Satan, hold it however you want.
(Or: Lucy Kisses Dating Goodbye)
**More WTFacts are at this week’s Episode Watch Party.**
We open on Lucy cleaning out the desk, and underneath the receipts for freestanding bathtubs, bellydancing costumes, and other super useless items she’s bought this month, she finds her and Ricky’s marriage license.
Lucy (reading): On this day, Lucille Esmeralda McGillicuddy was married to Ricky… Bicardi?
And in zero to sixty, Lucy enters full freakout.
You know, she’s really doing this wrong. She might be the heiress to the Bacardi fortune. That’s a LOT of money. My rum and cokes alone would cover the freestanding bathtub and then some.
(Or: Nancy the Harpist: the heartbreak episode)
**More WTFacts are at this week’s Episode Watch Party.**
We open on Lucy talking with Marge via telephone. They’re gossiping like 12-year-old cheerleaders about the fat kid in school. Poor Betty. We’ll get back to her.
Ricky wants Lucy to get off the phone, probably because with all this gossip she’s eventually going to hear about him and Fred going in together on a paid Ashley Madison account. But Lucy keeps talking:
Lucy: She didn’t! She didn’t! She didn’t! She couldn’t!
Ricky: Maybe that’s why she didn’t.
When Lucy finally hangs up, she worries what Marge is saying about her. Ricky’s like “I literally slap you around the damn house, and even I know this isn’t healthy.”
(Or: Lucy is jealous of girl dancer, because the ho never sings a note.)
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We open on Lucy vacuuming, when Ethel comes in and surprises her, making her scream. Then Lucy – the screaming, vacuuming hypocrite – tells Ethel to be quiet because Ricky’s asleep.
Ethel doesn’t mind. She’s on a high. A schadenfruede-fueled, worst-friend-ever high. She’s giddy because the newspaper says Ricky’s cheating on Lucy with his new showgirl. You know that thrill you get when you find out your closest friend’s life is about to fall apart? Yeah me neither. But Ethel does. Ethel is a sociopath.
Lucy believes her, so she beats the shit out of Ricky with a newspaper like the slimy insect he is. He’s like, HAHAHAHA. Ricky is also a sociopath.
Ricky: I’m as faithful as an old dog.
Lucy: Yeah, old Rover.
We know your type, Ricardo:
(Or: Lucy Has a $31,000 Temper Tantrum)
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We open on Ricky with a big box, like he’s been shopping. Gender role reversal! Lucy must be out watching the fights and scratching herself.
Fred is bent down under the sink fixing the plumbing and making hilarious jokes founded on how funny it would be if he had a vagina.
Ricky stands over Fred and sorta checks out his butt. He tries not to look too gay by making some small talk about how he and Lucy moved in on August 6, 1948, and how he’s glad Fred’s fixing the drain pipe (snicker).
Ethel comes by to say dinner’s ready. You know, something like, “Hey I just made a meal from scratch that I purchased and prepared over the course of the whole day, with a table perfectly set for you. It’s upstairs, and I’d love for you to come enjoy it with me.”
As always Fred knows the perfect thing to say:
Fred: “Stop ordering me around, will ya!?”
Ricky shows them what’s in the box and no, it’s not Gwyneth’s head. Please, that’s the end of a horror movie. This is just the skinned bodies of roughly 70 minks, sewn together.
(Or: Lucy Pursues Her Lifelong Dream of Fetching Ricky’s Slippers)
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Why hello, Ballers. I didn’t see you there. Shall we?
This week we open on Ricky sleeping in because he works late at a nightclub and absolutely not because the writers are stereotyping Cuban-Americans.
Lucy comes in beautiful and ready to face the day. We can assume she’s been up since 7am and has already vacuumed, mopped, and prepared breakfast from scratch. Ricky will not care.
To wake Ricky up, she plays “Babalu” on the conga drum. This is the first time we hear Desi’s signature song on the show, and I’m pretty sure he’s super pissed she gets to sing it before him. At least that might explain why he’s about to be such a total asshole.
(Or: Good Thing Lucy Never Watched The Jinx)
Get all the WTFacts at this week’s Episode Watch Party!
Ah, Ballers. I hate to disappoint you.
I know, I know. You came here for a fun read. But Ricky has ruined everything for all of us, because in this episode Ricky fucking jokes about killing his wife. How does one ignore that?
One doesn’t. So thanks a lot, Ricky. You scare the fun away, you creepy creep.
Perhaps I should back up.
WTF Lucy 