(Or: Lucy Has a $31,000 Temper Tantrum)
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We open on Ricky with a big box, like he’s been shopping. Gender role reversal! Lucy must be out watching the fights and scratching herself.
Fred is bent down under the sink fixing the plumbing and making hilarious jokes founded on how funny it would be if he had a vagina.
Ricky stands over Fred and sorta checks out his butt. He tries not to look too gay by making some small talk about how he and Lucy moved in on August 6, 1948, and how he’s glad Fred’s fixing the drain pipe (snicker).
Ethel comes by to say dinner’s ready. You know, something like, “Hey I just made a meal from scratch that I purchased and prepared over the course of the whole day, with a table perfectly set for you. It’s upstairs, and I’d love for you to come enjoy it with me.”
As always Fred knows the perfect thing to say:
Fred: “Stop ordering me around, will ya!?”
Ricky shows them what’s in the box and no, it’s not Gwyneth’s head. Please, that’s the end of a horror movie. This is just the skinned bodies of roughly 70 minks, sewn together.
But like, for real? I did some research on mink factory farming for Wednesday’s watch party post, and what the fuck, guys. It’s bad.
The fur people are all “We’re totally humane. No seriously it’s cool because we just gas them by the thousands so they don’t feel a thing. Um, I’M JEWISH SO THAT ARGUMENT DOESN’T WORK ON ME ASSHOLES.
The coat costs $3500 – that’s $31,600 today. Holy hell and he brought that thing into Lucy’s house? Doesn’t he know she’s a total disaster?
He only brought it there because they’ve rented it for his show. But Lucy’s always wanted a mink coat, so Ricky doesn’t even want her to see it. I guess he figures if she wants one, she can kill 70 minks and then rip the skin off their dead bodies one by one.
Actually, come to think of it, we’re super lucky Lucy doesn’t actually do that. I mean, last episode she killed a bear without a second thought. And she reeeeeallly wants a mink coat.
Ethel tries it on, and Lucy sees her in it. It goes about as expected.
She gets a wee bit jealous, and to make her point she screams at Ricky, stomps her feet, runs to her room, and starts bawling on the bed.
Ricky walks into the bedroom and tells her it’s not Ethel’s coat. Lucy thus assumes it’s hers and Ricky didn’t forget their anniversary after all!
Yeah, Lucy. Ricky bought you a $31,000 anniversary present. And Fred just told Ethel she’s pretty. Please stop deluding yourself.
Ricky appeases her and doesn’t tell her the truth. Actually, everyone appeases her, like she’s that kid from Willy Wonka or something. Ecstatic, she jumps on top of Ricky and starts dry humping him right there on his twin bed.
Ricky has gotten himself in real trouble this time! But Fred and Ethel will help. It’s in their best interest because if Lucy keeps the coat they won’t get rent for another 25 years.
So Fred and Ricky talk about how to get the coat back from her. She’s sworn she’ll wear it forever. So the two of them stand there scheming about how to get a woman’s clothes off.
Fred doesn’t mention drugging her. He’s progressing.
Here’s a great option, boys: it’s called communication. Puppetry, sign language, a well-chosen karaoke number. Any of these would be better than what you’re about to come up with, you fucking imbeciles.
They decide to fake a robbery. Ricky’s nothing if not consistent week to week: Rather than talk with her, he says to himself, I’ll traumatize her!
Only problem is, Ricky can’t find a time to steal the coat. Lucy uses it as her personal bath towel, apron, and sex toy. That fur is stuck to her like it used to be on those dead minks.
So the guys have to come up with another idea. Fred actually thinks up a pretty good one: convince her the coat is contaminated and needs to be fumigated.
Ricky’s like nope. I’d rather just escalate the original idea and rob my own wife at gunpoint. And so Fred’s like, look, I’m a disgusting creep but even I have my limits and you people are fucking insane. Just tell her you need the coat back, dear holy fuck.
But Ricky says Fred has to help him, because otherwise Ethel will want a coat, too.
They are total douche nozzles, so they decide yeah. Let’s do it. Let’s force this woman into therapy for the rest of her life.
That night an actual robber breaks in. We’re supposed to assume they randomly get robbed the night Fred plans to randomly rob them.
The robber puts on his mask after he enters the apartment. Total amateur. Ricky sees him and assumes it’s Fred, his best friend, there to rob his wife. He happily drags the robber into the bedroom.
Lucy is pretty scared, but not enough to give up her coat. In fact, she’d rather die than lose the coat, so she protects it from the bullets before offering to give her own life. The ghosts of 70 minks are like, oh NOW you give a shit.
Ricky calmly hands the robber the coat, thus saving their lives. Lucy was really hoping to die, apparently, because she freaks out on him for his cowardice like this is Braveheart and the coat is freedom.
The robber drops the coat and runs when Fred breaks in. Not really sure why he needed to drop the one thing he successfully robbed, but Fred is dressed like a French poet and French poets would scare anybody.
In their defense, at this point the writers must figure why worry about his motive for dropping the coat? Logic left the building on August 6, 1948.
When they realize it was a real burglar, Ricky wants to go catch him. But Fred screams like a baby and they cuddle instead.
The next day Lucy is bummed out because Ricky didn’t wrestle an armed burglar the night before. Ethel reveals Ricky’s whole plan to Lucy and tells her how Ricky needs the coat back. Lucy channels an operatic death scene. Life is so hard.
Meanwhile after two attempts to communicate through robbery and violence, Ricky has decided to tell Lucy the truth.
The Too Late train already left the station, though. Lucy knows, and she’s pissed.
She decides to get an imitation mink coat and destroy it in front of Ricky. Ricky’s so horrified he passes out (an impressive fall on Desi’s part, BTW). Lucy was right. He is weak.
You know, this episode has some of the best acting I’ve seen so far. Their characters may need to be committed to an asylum, but at least the actors are committed to the scene. This is Desi at some of his best:
Somehow off camera – probably at the hospital – this all gets sorted out. To make up for taking the mink coat away, Ricky sends Lucy a bunch of gifts. He doesn’t want her to think he forgot their anniversary.
Only…funny thing, that.
Turns out there was no anniversary. Lucy tells Ethel she lies about their anniversary any time she wants a nice present. In fact, she’s lied about it so many times she doesn’t even remember when it is.
She is SUCH. A. BITCH.
You know who else can’t remember your anniversary, Lucy? Those 70 minks. Because they’re dead.
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