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I Love Lucy S02 E13 – Lucy Hires an English Tutor

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Original Air Date: December 29, 1952

Well, well. A lot has happened since the last post. Welcome back, ballers.

I’ve been out on the campaign trail with my dad (yeah, true story), and all I can say is it’s a mad, mad world. I’m so grateful for the messages, tweets, etc. It’s good to be back. 

Last we met, Ricky and Lucy were expecting a baby, Fred and Ethel were bickering, and we were giggling at how archaic this show feels.

Now they’re building a wall around Ricky, Fred has joined the alt-right, and Lucy’s life is all of us. 

Sigh. Let’s have at it.

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I Love Lucy S02 E07 – The Courtroom

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Original Air Date: November 10, 1952

Ballers! This week we’re visiting “The Courtroom!” This should be an easy one, since my husband does law stuff and things. I asked him to write all the jokes for me this week but he was like, um I have to go bill hours to pay your WordPress charges (they really add up).

So I guess you’re stuck with me.

We open on Ricky primping, because he and Lucy want to look great for Fred and Ethel’s 25th anniversary. (Vivian Vance would have been 43 when this aired. Which means she would have married Fred at 18.)

I guess that makes sense. I did a lot of stupid things at 18. Once I put butterscotch pudding on my friend’s doorknob to make him think it was poop, and it sat like that in the sun all day and ants ended up making the door their own private ant farm and his mom had to basically overhaul the entire front entrance. TRUE STORY. And if I was Trump, you’d like me even more now.

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I Love Lucy S01 E33 – Lucy’s Schedule

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Original air date: May 26, 1952

We open on Ricky pacing around in a suit, fidgeting while Lucy takes her sweet-ass time in the bedroom.

Lucy keeps saying, “I’ll be ready in a minute, dear,” which means an hour because she’s got to put on her makeup, hair products, fake eyelashes, etc. Underneath all the beauty treatments, Lucille Ball was inspiration for The Walking Dead.

“I’ll be ready in a minute, dear.”

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I Love Lucy S01 E25 – Pioneer Women

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(Or Lucy Becomes a Barista)

**More WTFacts are at this week’s Episode Watch Party.**

We open on Lucy doing the dishes and singing. Life is great! After all, Lucy and Ethel may have a chance to join the Society Matron’s League!

This is a “cream of society” group that gets together to discuss, I presume, how the younger generation makes their tea sandwiches incorrectly and how “urban” the Upper West Side has been getting lately.

Lucy’s concerned about shaking their hands, not because these women sound like constipated troll-beasts, but because of all the dishwashing Lucy’s endured over the years. She does the math:

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I Love Lucy S01 E15 – Lucy Plays Cupid

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(OR: Lucy is assaulted twice, then traded on the black market.) 

**Wanna keep up? Episode Watch Party!**

Oh my, Ballers. Where do we even start this week? I’m going to start at the beginning, but be warned: there will be a detour. I’ve been waiting for this episode, and dreading it.

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I Love Lucy S01 E14 – The Amateur Hour

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(OR: Lucy Takes a Horse-Size Birth Control Pill)

**Wanna keep up? Episode watch party!**

Ballers, bad news: Lucy is fuuuuuuuuucked. She bought a dress on sale, and now she has to “smooch Ricky into it” so she can keep it. Funny, normally you smooch people out of dresses, not into them.

Ethel leaves to “smooch Fred” into letting her keep the plunger she bought. Let’s say it together: Ethel has a shitty life.

Oh, that great deal Lucy got for the dress? It was $59.95 + tax. Today that’s $535.25 + grounds for divorce. Then she complains she has nothing to wear. WOMEN!

What Ethel doesn’t tell Fred is this plunger has a vibrating feature.

What Ethel doesn’t tell Fred is this plunger has a vibrating feature.

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I Love Lucy S01 E09 – The Fur Coat

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(Or: Lucy Has a $31,000 Temper Tantrum)

**Wanna keep up? Episode watch party!**

We open on Ricky with a big box, like he’s been shopping. Gender role reversal! Lucy must be out watching the fights and scratching herself.

Fred is bent down under the sink fixing the plumbing and making hilarious jokes founded on how funny it would be if he had a vagina.

Ricky stands over Fred and sorta checks out his butt. He tries not to look too gay by making some small talk about how he and Lucy moved in on August 6, 1948, and how he’s glad Fred’s fixing the drain pipe (snicker).

Ethel comes by to say dinner’s ready. You know, something like, “Hey I just made a meal from scratch that I purchased and prepared over the course of the whole day, with a table perfectly set for you. It’s upstairs, and I’d love for you to come enjoy it with me.”

As always Fred knows the perfect thing to say:

Fred: “Stop ordering me around, will ya!?”

Ricky shows them what’s in the box and no, it’s not Gwyneth’s head. Please, that’s the end of a horror movie. This is just the skinned bodies of roughly 70 minks, sewn together.

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