Original Air Date: November 10, 1952

Ballers! This week we’re visiting “The Courtroom!” This should be an easy one, since my husband does law stuff and things. I asked him to write all the jokes for me this week but he was like, um I have to go bill hours to pay your WordPress charges (they really add up).

So I guess you’re stuck with me.

We open on Ricky primping, because he and Lucy want to look great for Fred and Ethel’s 25th anniversary. (Vivian Vance would have been 43 when this aired. Which means she would have married Fred at 18.)

I guess that makes sense. I did a lot of stupid things at 18. Once I put butterscotch pudding on my friend’s doorknob to make him think it was poop, and it sat like that in the sun all day and ants ended up making the door their own private ant farm and his mom had to basically overhaul the entire front entrance. TRUE STORY. And if I was Trump, you’d like me even more now.

Ricky and Lucy decide to carry the Mertzes’ anniversary present downstairs. It’s a huge TV, and Lucy has never lifted anything, so she’s very confused and uncomfortable. She’s like “Why do my arms have this burning sensation?” And Ricky’s like: “UNLESS YOU PUKE, FAINT, OR DIE, KEEP GOING.” Or was that The Biggest Loser? 

Lucy: We should’ve tried this before!
Ricky: I should’ve stayed in Cuba!

Anyway they get the TV there and Fred and Ethel are ELATED. If only someone had told them TV’s just a fad.

But it doesn’t work properly when they set it up. And so Ricky goes on a mansplaining campaign and decides to fix it.

Fred: But it’s dangerous, etc.
Ricky: Oh that’s just for people who don’t know what they’re doing.

Like Ricky.

Ricky uses his balls manbrains to make up some science. As a result, the TV blows up, and Fred is furious.

Fred: Why didn’t you keep your grubby Cuban paws off it?!
Lucy: He can put his grubby Cuban paws anywhere he wants to!

Oh, Lucy? Aaaanywhereeeee???

Fred, enraged, storms upstairs and kicks in the Ricardos’ TV. And suddenly everything becomes VERY litigious. I’ll sue you, you’ll sue me – it’s like living on the Upper East Side automatically makes you a douche.

In real life, civil court is what we might call a deep hole of constipation and garbage. You wait like 2 years, then eventually get in front of a mediator who’s like all right, let’s just call this even, since you both broke two equally valuable TVs. And in the meantime you’ve lost your friends, tenants/landlords, and sanity.

Fortunately for them, this is TV, so civil court is Disneyland without crowds.

Fast forward to the trial. Ricky has decided to defend himself and writes Lucy’s statement for her. Surely he knows you can’t win a trial just with acting skills. You also have to pay people off, silly.

Lucy lifts her skirt for the judge, who is a sick, dirty old man. I think those qualities were required for judges in the 1950s.

Fred: I object, your honor!
Judge: Objection overruled!

If Lucy’s lower leg turns the judge on so much, he’ll keel over immediately if he lives to see the internet.

Anyway then Lucy commits perjury, and it’s Ethel’s turn. She tries to show her legs to the judge.

Fred: What are you trying to do, lose the case for us?!

Former model and still gorgeous Vivian Vance survived this show. She is a hero and a legend. Most of us would be in prison by now for going completely apeshit on the whole cast and crew.

Let’s briefly discuss an important detail in this case: A 20’ TV back in 1952 would have cost approximately $299.95. 

Today, that would be $2,681.62. So what I’d like to know is not why are they in civil court, but WHY THE HELL would Lucy and Ricky spend that much on an anniversary gift? If they have that kind of money, they really could buy this trial. Ricky could bring in OJ Simpson’s Dream Team defense and we could get some serious press for this sucker.

The judge decides to recreate the scene. He brings in his own TV. (Why he has a TV there is beyond me. I guess that’s what he does with all his spare time in civil court. He only has one case a week, or something. It’s a rigorous routine of TV, sudoku, one case, nap time.)

His honor orders them into the chambers to work it out on their own because what does he look like, a judge?  

And I guess he just sits in the courtroom and waits for them. Maybe that’s why he brought the TV in.

Judge: Yaaas time to catch up with my girls on The View!

Cut to the gang all coming back in.

Lucy: You’re right, judge, good friends are worth more than the price of a television set!

I dunno, Lucy. $2,681.62? I’d climb a cactus for that.

At the end, the judge breaks his own TV a la Ricky, which is probably good since he should be busy JUDGING.

That’s one thing I’ll say for Scalia: agree or disagree with his decisions, I think we can all admit he did more with his time on the bench than wear it out with his ass, watching Friends reruns all day as though he was appointed to his own personal La-Z-Boy.

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