(OR: Lucy Takes a Horse-Size Birth Control Pill)
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Ballers, bad news: Lucy is fuuuuuuuuucked. She bought a dress on sale, and now she has to “smooch Ricky into it” so she can keep it. Funny, normally you smooch people out of dresses, not into them.
Ethel leaves to “smooch Fred” into letting her keep the plunger she bought. Let’s say it together: Ethel has a shitty life.
Oh, that great deal Lucy got for the dress? It was $59.95 + tax. Today that’s $535.25 + grounds for divorce. Then she complains she has nothing to wear. WOMEN!
Lucy says her friends have seen her in all the clothes she has, so Ricky tells her to get new friends. I agree. Her friends are obviously total bitches, and they’re contributing to her narcissism and addiction.
Lucy says she’ll pay for the dress by getting a job and he LOLs at her.
Ricky: Job? YOU? HA!
Me: Ten years earlier women like your wife were running this country, motherfucker.
She lists about 10 skills she could use by performing in his club and I guess he has something in his ear or whatnot because he doesn’t reply.
Or maybe he’s just lost his damn marbles because he comes out in underwear and a top hat to make fun of her claiming she has no clothes. He thinks he’s so funny, but women have been dressing in their underwear and fancy hats since they invented the red carpet.
The next morning Lucy’s looking through the paper for a job. If you want visual proof that we’ve evolved into total morons, check out the 1952 New York Times. Tiny print and 8 columns of text. Remind me to make a donation to Teach for America.
Ricky comes in and wants his breakfast, and Lucy tells him it’s on the stove and to get it himself. He gets annoyed. She didn’t say cook it yourself. She already MADE breakfast. This will cost you literally 4 calories of energy, you lazy douche.
Lucy: Listen I am no longer the doting housewife. If you are going to send me out into the world of business to earn my own money, you can just treat me like a fellow businessman.
And my husband and I cheer like we just watched the US hockey team beat the Soviets.
Ricky leaves and Ethel enters, almost like they planned it. Lucy catches Ethel up.
Ethel: Job? YOU? Ha!
Ricky was right, Lucy does need new friends.
Lucy finds a job that pays $5/hour for babysitting, which is $44.64 today (RED FLAG). She calls the woman, confirms the child is human, gives them her address, and that’s it. No references requested (RED FLAG), no background check required (RED FLAG). When the woman shows up, she looks around and mourns all of Lucy’s nice things (RED FLAG) and then leaves a boy who looks meaner than a United Airlines customer service rep (RED FLAG).
Lucy’s like cool, cool.
Turns out this psycho bitch actually has ANOTHER son, and she sneaks him in after the fact. Lucy gets very confused between the twins as they kick and beat her, demand milk and cookies, leave the apartment through the front and back doors, rip through her magazines, tear apart her flowers, and scream at the top of their lungs.
But you know boys will be boys.
And speaking of boys, you know that fun-if-a-lot-offensive game Cowboys and Indians? Well, these kids LOVE that game, of course. So they do what all boys will do: they tie Lucy up, gag her, surround her with newspaper, and light a match to burn her alive.
That Lucy ever had Little Ricky after this episode is an absolute miracle. I took a full month’s birth control prescription at the halfway mark and during the credits my husband had to stop me from chewing on an IUD.
The boys blow out the match when their mom calls.
Satan/Mom: You know your father said he would spank you both if you burned just one more sitter at the stake.
If there’s anything we’ve learned from the news this past week, it’s that parents should be very careful in dealing with their children’s criminal activity. While all you parents look at your kids and see your heart outside your body or whatever, the rest of us might see two sociopaths who have committed repeated assault, destruction of property, wrongful imprisonment, and attempted murder.
With my husband having passed the bar in New York State just this year, we had a long conversation about what a woman in Lucy’s situation should do legally.
In the State of New York, if she causes great bodily harm or death, she has to prove there was no other way of protecting her life than to do anything violent against them. But I mean what would you do if two evil people – however tiny/young – tied you up and almost burned you alive in your own home? This is my actual nightmare and I didn’t even know it until now.
The Great Power of Darkness, or as the boys call her, “Mom,” asks Lucy to perform in an Amateur Hour for charity that night, and then hangs up.
Cut to: The charity event. Turns out Ricky is the emcee. He sings a brand new ballad called “I’m Breaking My Back Putting Up a Front for You” about all the stuff he’s bought for his lady (autobiography anyone?).
In this critic’s humble opinion, the song really scratches the surface, but then it’s Jewish writers and producers giving a Cuban singer a black man’s blues, so no one’s trying for authenticity here.
The boys and Lucy come out in cowboy gear and dance around and then one of them drops a frog in her shirt. This is a good thing because their Plan A was to bomb the place and feed on the burnt corpses.
Ricky tries to help by speeding up the music while Lucy hops around alone on stage trying to get the frog out.
In the end she wins the $100 prize for Amateur Hour. I’m estimating she also gets about $30 for 6 hours of babysitting the sons of the Evil One. Subtracting all the damage these kids did to her house and the 10-15 years of therapy she’ll need, she can cover the dress and come out to about $195 in debt.
And that, Ballers, is what happens when you let women work.
Join me next week for S01 E15: Lucy Plays Cupid. New posts every Friday!