I Love Lucy S01 E16 – Lucy Fakes Illness

(Or: 26 minutes of terrible psychiatric advice)

**Get Your WTFacts Here!**

Hi, Ballers! I’m so excited for this week. For the first time in a while, this week’s episode doesn’t involve any serious abuse or torture. Well Fred tortures a few jokes, but that’s about it.

It DOES however, involve unapologetic, unrelenting false information about the human brain. Let’s break down this breakdown.

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I Love Lucy S01 E12 – The Adagio

(Or: The Racism / Or: The Misogyny )

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Hi Ballers. You ever heard of Apache dancing? I hadn’t. It’s horrible. Let’s get started.

We open on Ethel eating some turds while everyone watches her.

Then the ladies get up to “put on a new face.” Fred crosses his fingers:

Fred: “She goes out to put on a new face and she always comes back with the old one.”

He and Ricky talk about Lucy being naked.

And guys, so far I haven’t made any of this shit up.

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I Love Lucy S01 E10 – Lucy Is Jealous of Girl Singer

(Or: Lucy is jealous of girl dancer, because the ho never sings a note.)

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We open on Lucy vacuuming, when Ethel comes in and surprises her, making her scream. Then Lucy – the screaming, vacuuming hypocrite – tells Ethel to be quiet because Ricky’s asleep.

Ethel doesn’t mind. She’s on a high. A schadenfruede-fueled, worst-friend-ever high. She’s giddy because the newspaper says Ricky’s cheating on Lucy with his new showgirl. You know that thrill you get when you find out your closest friend’s life is about to fall apart? Yeah me neither. But Ethel does. Ethel is a sociopath.

Lucy believes her, so she beats the shit out of Ricky with a newspaper like the slimy insect he is. He’s like, HAHAHAHA. Ricky is also a sociopath.

Ricky: I’m as faithful as an old dog.
Lucy: Yeah, old Rover.

We know your type, Ricardo:

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I Love Lucy S01 E09 – The Fur Coat

(Or: Lucy Has a $31,000 Temper Tantrum)

**Wanna keep up? Episode watch party!**

We open on Ricky with a big box, like he’s been shopping. Gender role reversal! Lucy must be out watching the fights and scratching herself.

Fred is bent down under the sink fixing the plumbing and making hilarious jokes founded on how funny it would be if he had a vagina.

Ricky stands over Fred and sorta checks out his butt. He tries not to look too gay by making some small talk about how he and Lucy moved in on August 6, 1948, and how he’s glad Fred’s fixing the drain pipe (snicker).

Ethel comes by to say dinner’s ready. You know, something like, “Hey I just made a meal from scratch that I purchased and prepared over the course of the whole day, with a table perfectly set for you. It’s upstairs, and I’d love for you to come enjoy it with me.”

As always Fred knows the perfect thing to say:

Fred: “Stop ordering me around, will ya!?”

Ricky shows them what’s in the box and no, it’s not Gwyneth’s head. Please, that’s the end of a horror movie. This is just the skinned bodies of roughly 70 minks, sewn together.

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I Love Lucy S01 E04 – Lucy Thinks Ricky Is Trying to Murder Her

(Or: Good Thing Lucy Never Watched The Jinx)

Get all the WTFacts at this week’s Episode Watch Party!

Ah, Ballers. I hate to disappoint you. 

I know, I know. You came here for a fun read. But Ricky has ruined everything for all of us, because in this episode Ricky fucking jokes about killing his wife. How does one ignore that?

One doesn’t. So thanks a lot, Ricky. You scare the fun away, you creepy creep.

Perhaps I should back up.

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