I Love Lucy S01 E20 – The Young Fans

(Or: Stalking can be fun!)

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Happy 20th episode, Ballers! We open on Lucy reading a New York Times about Hitler.

Actually, the person on the cover is Gen. Sir Gerald Templer, who was put in charge of British forces in 1952 during the “Malayan Emergency.” But, being Jewish, I can’t go five sentences without mentioning Hitler.

Lucy is a highly educated woman with a strong handle on world affairs... as long as Ricky's not looking.

Lucy is a highly educated woman with a strong handle on world affairs… as long as Ricky’s not looking.

Ricky comes in totally creeped out by a perverted teenage psychopath named Peggy. She lives next door, she’s “like a spook,” and she’s legit stalking him. Lucy thinks it’s hilarious, and reminds Ricky that teenage girls are totally unreasonable.

I used to have a massive crush on Ricky myself, and considering he was a) fictional and b) 80 years old by that point, I have to side with Lucy on this.

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I Love Lucy S01 E017 – Lucy Writes a Play

(Or: Lucy writes two plays)

**Get the WTFacts here first!**

OMG, Ballers. OMG OMG. This week Lucy writes a play. And when I’m not making the big bucks writing Lucy satire, I have a lucrative career as a playwright.

This is going to be so. much. fun.

We open on Lucy surrounded by books and a typewriter. It looks like “Lucy Goes to Medical School” but that episode never happened because it would have been a break in natural law.

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I Love Lucy S01 E16 – Lucy Fakes Illness

(Or: 26 minutes of terrible psychiatric advice)

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Hi, Ballers! I’m so excited for this week. For the first time in a while, this week’s episode doesn’t involve any serious abuse or torture. Well Fred tortures a few jokes, but that’s about it.

It DOES however, involve unapologetic, unrelenting false information about the human brain. Let’s break down this breakdown.

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I Love Lucy S01 E14 – The Amateur Hour

(OR: Lucy Takes a Horse-Size Birth Control Pill)

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Ballers, bad news: Lucy is fuuuuuuuuucked. She bought a dress on sale, and now she has to “smooch Ricky into it” so she can keep it. Funny, normally you smooch people out of dresses, not into them.

Ethel leaves to “smooch Fred” into letting her keep the plunger she bought. Let’s say it together: Ethel has a shitty life.

Oh, that great deal Lucy got for the dress? It was $59.95 + tax. Today that’s $535.25 + grounds for divorce. Then she complains she has nothing to wear. WOMEN!

What Ethel doesn’t tell Fred is this plunger has a vibrating feature.

What Ethel doesn’t tell Fred is this plunger has a vibrating feature.

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I Love Lucy S01 E11 – Drafted

(Or: They Said Report to Fort Dix. Get Your Mind Out of the Gutter.)

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Hey, Ballers! Episode 11 already? Sigh. They grow up so quickly.

Let’s do this! 

We open on Lucy sweeping – PHEW! A welcome break from her usual vacuuming! Ethel comes with the mail and Lucy passes over a stack of bills (we know, Lucy, you don’t pay them).

Ethel has read Lucy’s mail, which Lucy despises. She turns all Edward Snowden, talking about how people’s mail is sacred and opening it is a betrayal. Then she opens Ricky’s mail.

Letter: “You are hereby ordered to report to Fort Dix, New Jersey, Monday at 3 o’clock.”

So now Lucy assumes Ricky’s been drafted. As world’s worst friend, Ethel feels nothing. She tells Lucy to go and buy a new hat. As world’s worst wife, Lucy’s like “OK.”

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I Love Lucy S01 E10 – Lucy Is Jealous of Girl Singer

(Or: Lucy is jealous of girl dancer, because the ho never sings a note.)

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We open on Lucy vacuuming, when Ethel comes in and surprises her, making her scream. Then Lucy – the screaming, vacuuming hypocrite – tells Ethel to be quiet because Ricky’s asleep.

Ethel doesn’t mind. She’s on a high. A schadenfruede-fueled, worst-friend-ever high. She’s giddy because the newspaper says Ricky’s cheating on Lucy with his new showgirl. You know that thrill you get when you find out your closest friend’s life is about to fall apart? Yeah me neither. But Ethel does. Ethel is a sociopath.

Lucy believes her, so she beats the shit out of Ricky with a newspaper like the slimy insect he is. He’s like, HAHAHAHA. Ricky is also a sociopath.

Ricky: I’m as faithful as an old dog.
Lucy: Yeah, old Rover.

We know your type, Ricardo:

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I Love Lucy S01 E08 – Men Are Messy

(Or: Ricky Is Dicky)

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We open this week on applause for the first time! Finally, the American public has figured it out: this show is fucking amazing and it’s going to change the world.

Lucy is totally OCD, straightening the already straight papers and cleaning an already clean house. Please, someone, give her something to do. THIS IS NOT AN APPROPRIATE USE OF ANYONE’S TIME.

Ah, she’s finished. What a lovely living room. Totally worth the sacrifice of your dreams. Well played.

Then Ricky comes in and poops all over everything like a spoiled brat kid who refuses to potty train and needs a damn toy trunk. He leaves trash everywhere, throws his clothes around like a clumsy stripper, and drops food scraps for the dog they don’t have.

He even cracks nuts on the floor. It doesn’t occur to him he can only do that because of how fucking clean the floor already is. Want your nuts cracked, Ricky? I’ll crack your nuts.

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I Love Lucy S01 E07 – The Séance

(OR: Lucy’s Statue Looked Possessed For a Reason)

Get all the WTFacts at this week’s Episode watch party!

Ballers, it’s been a hard week. We’ve all seen the photos of the demon-hobbit Lucy statue haunting the outskirts of Jamestown. Now we face an episode about spiritualism and the occult. It should go without saying you need to prepare for this post with an exorcism. I’ll wait.

OK, with that out of the way, here’s this week’s episode:

Ricky walks into the kitchen, and Lucy’s so distracted by a book she overfills the coffee cup.

That’s 4 out of 7 episodes opening on one of them distracted by reading materials. BE IN THE MOMENT, GUYS. Good thing they didn’t live today or they’d both be walking into the walls glued to Kimmie Schmidt playing on their iPads and missing important meetings because Candy Crush sent them a push notification.

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I Love Lucy S01 E05 – The Quiz Show

(Or: Lucy Runs Out of Money and Dignity)

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We open on a very busy Lucy, frantically preparing her accounts to show Ricky. She’s terrified. 

Of course she is.

Ballers, I’ve been hinting at this for weeks. Our girl’s a train wreck, and someone needs to give this shopaholic an intervention or Episode 6 will be “Lucy Goes to Bankruptcy Court.”

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I Love Lucy S01 E02 – Be a Pal

(Or: Ricky Is Too Brain Damaged to Remind Lucy to Take Her Crazy Pills)

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We’re back, Ballers. Let’s jump right in.

This episode opens in the kitchen, with Ricky ignoring Lucy. And I mean, ignoring. I’m talking liberal House reps to Netanyahu, Tea Party to climate change, Hollywood to the elderly IGNORING.

Lucy, in response, starts talking to herself. And that’s where the real problems in this episode first become clear: since the last time we saw them, Ricky and Lucy were both brain damaged from blunt force trauma to the head. There is no other explanation for the shit that’s about to go down.

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