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I Love Lucy S01 E19 – The Ballet

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OR: Lucy Shows Her Stems

Happy Friday, Ballers!

Enough with the chit chat.

We open on Ricky looking through a bunch of papers as the rest of the gang enters. Lucy wants him to hurry up because “the picture starts at 8:22.” That’s awfully specific. Was that really how it worked back in the 50s? No wonder people hate millennials. A millennial hears “8:22” and has a panic attack mixed with a peanut allergy.

Ricky can’t go, though. He’s having trouble finding acts. He needs a ballerina and two comics.

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I Love Lucy S01 E017 – Lucy Writes a Play

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(Or: Lucy writes two plays)

**Get the WTFacts here first!**

OMG, Ballers. OMG OMG. This week Lucy writes a play. And when I’m not making the big bucks writing Lucy satire, I have a lucrative career as a playwright.

This is going to be so. much. fun.

We open on Lucy surrounded by books and a typewriter. It looks like “Lucy Goes to Medical School” but that episode never happened because it would have been a break in natural law.

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I Love Lucy S01 E15 – Lucy Plays Cupid

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(OR: Lucy is assaulted twice, then traded on the black market.) 

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Oh my, Ballers. Where do we even start this week? I’m going to start at the beginning, but be warned: there will be a detour. I’ve been waiting for this episode, and dreading it.

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I Love Lucy S01 E14 – The Amateur Hour

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(OR: Lucy Takes a Horse-Size Birth Control Pill)

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Ballers, bad news: Lucy is fuuuuuuuuucked. She bought a dress on sale, and now she has to “smooch Ricky into it” so she can keep it. Funny, normally you smooch people out of dresses, not into them.

Ethel leaves to “smooch Fred” into letting her keep the plunger she bought. Let’s say it together: Ethel has a shitty life.

Oh, that great deal Lucy got for the dress? It was $59.95 + tax. Today that’s $535.25 + grounds for divorce. Then she complains she has nothing to wear. WOMEN!

What Ethel doesn’t tell Fred is this plunger has a vibrating feature.

What Ethel doesn’t tell Fred is this plunger has a vibrating feature.

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I Love Lucy S01 E13 – The Benefit

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(OR: The one with the actual horse’s ass)

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Ballers, you remember that time you and three other people spent every waking second together, and you never seemed to interact with anyone else, and it sorta felt like you couldn’t escape?

Unless you’re schizophrenic, in jail, or homeschooled, no. No, you don’t remember that.

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I Love Lucy S01 E12 – The Adagio

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(Or: The Racism / Or: The Misogyny )

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Hi Ballers. You ever heard of Apache dancing? I hadn’t. It’s horrible. Let’s get started.

We open on Ethel eating some turds while everyone watches her.

Then the ladies get up to “put on a new face.” Fred crosses his fingers:

Fred: “She goes out to put on a new face and she always comes back with the old one.”

He and Ricky talk about Lucy being naked.

And guys, so far I haven’t made any of this shit up.

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I Love Lucy S01 E11 – Drafted

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(Or: They Said Report to Fort Dix. Get Your Mind Out of the Gutter.)

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Hey, Ballers! Episode 11 already? Sigh. They grow up so quickly.

Let’s do this! 

We open on Lucy sweeping – PHEW! A welcome break from her usual vacuuming! Ethel comes with the mail and Lucy passes over a stack of bills (we know, Lucy, you don’t pay them).

Ethel has read Lucy’s mail, which Lucy despises. She turns all Edward Snowden, talking about how people’s mail is sacred and opening it is a betrayal. Then she opens Ricky’s mail.

Letter: “You are hereby ordered to report to Fort Dix, New Jersey, Monday at 3 o’clock.”

So now Lucy assumes Ricky’s been drafted. As world’s worst friend, Ethel feels nothing. She tells Lucy to go and buy a new hat. As world’s worst wife, Lucy’s like “OK.”

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I Love Lucy S01 E09 – The Fur Coat

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(Or: Lucy Has a $31,000 Temper Tantrum)

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We open on Ricky with a big box, like he’s been shopping. Gender role reversal! Lucy must be out watching the fights and scratching herself.

Fred is bent down under the sink fixing the plumbing and making hilarious jokes founded on how funny it would be if he had a vagina.

Ricky stands over Fred and sorta checks out his butt. He tries not to look too gay by making some small talk about how he and Lucy moved in on August 6, 1948, and how he’s glad Fred’s fixing the drain pipe (snicker).

Ethel comes by to say dinner’s ready. You know, something like, “Hey I just made a meal from scratch that I purchased and prepared over the course of the whole day, with a table perfectly set for you. It’s upstairs, and I’d love for you to come enjoy it with me.”

As always Fred knows the perfect thing to say:

Fred: “Stop ordering me around, will ya!?”

Ricky shows them what’s in the box and no, it’s not Gwyneth’s head. Please, that’s the end of a horror movie. This is just the skinned bodies of roughly 70 minks, sewn together.

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I Love Lucy S01 E08 – Men Are Messy

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(Or: Ricky Is Dicky)

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We open this week on applause for the first time! Finally, the American public has figured it out: this show is fucking amazing and it’s going to change the world.

Lucy is totally OCD, straightening the already straight papers and cleaning an already clean house. Please, someone, give her something to do. THIS IS NOT AN APPROPRIATE USE OF ANYONE’S TIME.

Ah, she’s finished. What a lovely living room. Totally worth the sacrifice of your dreams. Well played.

Then Ricky comes in and poops all over everything like a spoiled brat kid who refuses to potty train and needs a damn toy trunk. He leaves trash everywhere, throws his clothes around like a clumsy stripper, and drops food scraps for the dog they don’t have.

He even cracks nuts on the floor. It doesn’t occur to him he can only do that because of how fucking clean the floor already is. Want your nuts cracked, Ricky? I’ll crack your nuts.

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