Original air date: June 2, 1952

Well, Ballers, we’re back with episode 34.

Yes, that’s 34. We get it, Lucy, you were an overachiever. But 35 episodes in your first season? With some of them filmed while pregnant? You’re making James Franco look like a lazy disappointment.

We open on Lucy primping before bed. She’s getting crow’s feet and she knows it, but like any self-assured woman, she copes with her own mortality by telling her husband he’s going bald.

Ricky realizes she may be right, and he becomes a bit obsessed.

Ricky: It’s thick enough on top, but gee that hairline.
Lucy: And they say women are vain. (Later) Come back to bed, baldy.

Ricky, you worry about your hairline? Try the expectation that you’ll pluck every damn hair from your body until you look like a 9-yr-old. Then apply dyes and chemicals to your face, nails, and hair. Finally, put torture devices on your feet so men will simultaneously take you more seriously while sexualizing you, and then get back to me.

Or maybe I’m just self conscious because I haven’t showered in 4 days.

The next day, Ricky’s gone kinda crazy. He’s wearing a hat, and he wants to get out of there so badly he doesn’t even chew his grapefruit. Dude, maybe savor the moment a bit and you’ll keep your hair for longer.

Lucy puts on a man’s hat, too, and then catches the toast with it. These people will spend like five months’ rent on a stupid bet, but they won’t buy a new toaster? Thing’s a fire hazard.

After Ricky leaves, Lucy expresses to Fred and Ethel how worried she is for him.

Fred: It’s no laughing matter, Ethel. I should know, now that my hairline is starting to recede.

Fred believes he’s got a full head of hair, and he’s also preeeetty sure the pyramids were built to store grain.

Lots of Republican jokes today, guys. They’re making it easy.

Lucy decides to give Ricky scalp treatments so drastic he’ll stop worrying about it.

Lucy: You haven’t heard of The Lucy Ricardo Torture System of Hair Restoring.

We haven’t heard of it, Lucy, that’s true, but we imagined it the minute we read the title of this episode.

Lucy goes to a hair shop run by Benedict Cumberbatch’s evil older brother. He offers her vibrators, suction devices, and agitators. If Lucy were a good friend, she’d get one of those vibrators for Ethel. Instead, she decides the options are just too drastic and leaves.

So Lucy reconvenes with Ethel, and they decide to throw a giant bald-headed man party. They name it: The Republican Convention. SHAZAAM!

She calls up Cumberbatch and he brings 3 bald men, with 6 more coming: Mr. Johnson, Mr. Miller, and Mr. Davis. In case it wasn’t clear, this show is white.

She pays them $10 each, which costs her whole emergency fund. Note: she spends 5x that amount every episode.

That’s when Fred shows up in a toupee.

I’m still super confused why Lucy’s throwing this shindig. What’s Ricky gonna think in a room full of bald people? “Oh look, there’s me in a few years?!” Smart.

But Ricky can’t get there because of work, so Lucy’s stuck with her original torture treatment idea.

First she puts oil and vinegar on his hair, then eggs. I should point out this is an actual treatment. I’ve done it. Just like I’ve plucked my eyebrows, worn a corset, and waxed my nethers. If Ricky thinks he’s got it bad, he can go fuck himself.

Then she gives him a stocking to put on his head, but he misunderstands and puts it on his legs. And we’re all having such a good time watching him struggle for like 2 seconds. For further thoughts, please see the previous paragraph.

Eventually she dumps cake batter all over him, puts the stocking on, and tells him to bake for 20 minutes, then repeat the whole thing every other night.

While I’ve never done that particular beauty treatment, I would if I found out it would fix split ends. Also, when it’s over you have cake!

Ricky ends the show by doubling down:

Ricky: I think we ought to do it every night! Then my hair will grow in faster!

And for a brief moment, with that beautiful, fleeting line, we get to enjoy a man on this show being the idiot for once. Take a deep breath and let yourself feel it. We won’t get it back again for a long, long time.

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Join me next week for S01 E35: Ricky Asks for a Raise. New posts every Friday!

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