(OR: Lucy’s Statue Looked Possessed For a Reason)

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Ballers, it’s been a hard week. We’ve all seen the photos of the demon-hobbit Lucy statue haunting the outskirts of Jamestown. Now we face an episode about spiritualism and the occult. It should go without saying you need to prepare for this post with an exorcism. I’ll wait.

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OK, with that out of the way, here’s this week’s episode:

Ricky walks into the kitchen, and Lucy’s so distracted by a book she overfills the coffee cup.

That’s 4 out of 7 episodes opening on one of them distracted by reading materials. BE IN THE MOMENT, GUYS. Good thing they didn’t live today or they’d both be walking into the walls glued to Kimmie Schmidt playing on their iPads and missing important meetings because Candy Crush sent them a push notification.

This time, Lucy’s into numerology. Ricky’s like, oh boy, not this again. Apparently she’s also had phases of reading palms and tea leaves, along with horoscopes.

There’s so much we missed before they brought cameras into this couple’s house. This really is the best reality show of all time.

Lucy thinks maybe she’s got Ricky’s number wrong:

Lucy: Maybe if you’re something besides 5, it’ll help our vibrations.
Ricky: Lucy! Don’t you like the way I vibrate?

Aww yeah. Lucy LOVES it. She practically begged for it in episode one, but you wanted to go to the fights. Blame her all you want, Ricky, but she’s not bored with your vibrations. She’s just forgotten what they feel like.

She does the math and it turns out Ricky’s numerology name is Genevieve. He recommends they get “hers and hers” towels and I bemoan how this wasn’t a precursor to Transparent. Regina Ricardo could have laid claim to some serious uncharted territory.

Lucy can tell by the dropped fork and her itchy palm that a woman is coming by to bring her money. Ricky has his doubts and bets her she’s wrong. But then Ethel comes in.

Lucy: (re: Ethel) She’s a woman.
Ricky: I guess.
Ethel: Gee, thanks.

And Ethel means it, because that’s the nicest compliment she’s received from a man since marrying Fred.

She repays Lucy some cash and Ricky loses the bet.

So now Lucy’s on some sort of spiritual high and decides to check Ricky’s horoscope, which is OVER THE TOP positive. It says everything he does today will be a huge success.

So she tells him it’s fine to go to the barber.

Lucy! If his horoscope is accurate, he shouldn’t waste a day like that on a haircut!!! He should spend it at the racetrack, on the phone with his stockbroker, and in bed vibrating with his wife.

Except she was reading yesterday’s paper and it’s actually the opposite, so Ricky’s gonna die Paranormal Activity-style if he tries to do anything at all that day.

Now Lucy’s in a tizzy. So when she gets a confirmation call from the barber, she protects Ricky and says (paraphrasing), “Never call here again, you disgusting monster! You’re shit at your job and at life. I’ll stalk your grave if you cut Ricky’s hair!”

She could have just said, “I’m sorry, Ricky won’t be able to make his appointment today. May I have him reschedule?” But her ladymotions got confused.

Ricky comes back and it turns out the phone call wasn’t the barber. It was a big time theater producer who wanted to hire him. Ricky kept this a secret for absolutely NO REASON WHATSOEVER.

If I was brought in to counsel this pitiful couple, I’d have them start every day with a “state the obvious” meeting, where they would both tell the other person little details about their lives that nearly every other couple in the world somehow finds ways to communicate:

“I’m getting a haircut today.”
“I’m going to the grocery store.”
“I’m expecting a call at the house in 5 minutes from a major Broadway producer named Merriweather who wants to give me the job of a lifetime.”

Just those normal day-to-days that would prevent your spouse from ruining your career or suspecting you want to murder her.

Lucy tells Ricky what she said by accident to Merriweather, and he goes all Ricky on her.

Lucy: I was only trying to help.
Ricky: (screaming) Help?!
Lucy: (calling for anyone) HELP!!!

He demands she go down to Merriweather’s office on her knees (hehe) to apologize in person. To enforce this, he chases her, grabs her, and drags her out the door by her ear.

Comedy!

So they get there, and fortunately for everyone, Merriweather is also into numerology. 

Merriweather: I’m a 1.
Lucy: I’m a 3.
Ricky: I’m a 5.
Merriweather: We’re all odd, aren’t we?

Ricky sees this as a problem. He’s too much of an ass to understand the word “asset.”

Merriweather asks Lucy “do you Oiji?” and Lucy looks very confused. She’s like, “Uh, I dunno. Usually I just lie there and Ricky vibrates.”

He wants to contact his dearly departed Tillie. So Lucy and Ricky decide to throw him a séance.

That night, the ever culturally sensitive Fred comes dressed for the séance in a stupid Shriners cap while humming “The Streets of Cairo” (your perverted 11-year-old self knows it as “There’s a Place in France”).

He introduces Ethel as “Medium Raya.” Ethel bows, and he says, “Well done, Medium Raya,” and oh how everyone laughs. Ethel is wearing a rug and carrying the bowl that would go over a wall sconce. Today this scene would get the whole cast and crew tried for hate crimes.

Both Lucy and Fred decide to play the part of Tillie. Lucy and Ricky don’t tell each other because why the fuck talk? It keeps going so well when they just leave it to chance.

To practice, Fred tries a woman’s voice and it’s super funny because ladies sound totally ridiculous. Then Ricky jokingly calls Fred a girl and Fred reacts as though Ricky said “I’m the one who killed your parents.”

Fred fakes a headache in order to leave so he can pretend to be Tillie. Ethel doesn’t believe him. She fakes headaches every single night so she KNOWS what fake looks like.

Merriweather arrives and everyone starts the séance. With their eyes closed, Lucy sneaks behind the table to play Tillie.

Almost instantly she burns herself on the fireplace, so Merriweather assumes Tillie’s in hell. Then he asks her if she preferred him or Mrs. Merriweather and things get weird fast.

They’re sorta insinuating Tillie’s ghost is drowning in eternal flames after having a wild three-way with this dude, his top hat, and his wife (or would that be a four-way?). I don’t really see why she should be the one punished for any of this.

Now he tries to reach Mrs. Merriweather. Why he does this, we’ll never know. Adelaide Merriweather was a huge bitch – he’s actually traumatized by memories of her.

Fred plays her, which is of course fitting. But now Lucy is confused about where Fred’s voice came from, and vice versa.

After Merriweather leaves, they all start looking around for the second voice. They’re super confused about how spirits work, so they search the furniture as though they’ve lost a hamster. 

Guys, if you could SEE ghosts, you wouldn’t need a séance. That’s sorta the whole point, you sad twits.

Finally Ricky comes in.

He’s so happy he’s practically vibrating: Merriweather gave him an even better offer! Plus they all realize Lucy and Fred were playing the two voices, so the place isn’t haunted.

Go team. When the four of them work together and don’t drug each other or call each other fat wastes of space, they can actually accomplish something pretty impressive.

And also, we find out Tillie was a cocker spaniel. “Oooooooh,” everyone says together. Merriweather didn’t want to talk to his bitch wife; he wanted to talk to an actual female dog!

Who’s burning in hell. And who’s great in bed.

Ah the good ol days. #ClassicTV

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