Original Air Date: December 15, 1952

Quick! Get Nancy Grace to hair and makeup!

Because we open on Lucy “taking care” of a practice baby doll. It’s the creepy sort of doll that makes you fear death in a new way. Lucy holds it under her armpit, throws it around, drowns it.

She even covers it in talcum powder / baby powder. That’s Flint water level dangerous. Don’t use that stuff, friends.

Ricky gets home and lectures her about not sleeping enough. He should know: he was a fetus once so he’s a pregnancy expert.

Lucy is going back and forth with names. Ironically there’s a running theme this whole episode about how she can’t decide on a name and changes her mind all the time. But WE already know they name the baby Ricky. Of. fucking. course they do.

Lucy: I want the names to be unique and euphonious.
Ricky: OK. Unique if it’s a boy and Euphonius if it’s a girl.
Lucy: How about Phillip for a boy?
Ricky: (Holding cigarette) And Morris if it’s a girl?

My recs:

• Dick Ardo Ricardo
• Mick R. Gough Ricardo
• Bob

Ricky makes them both breakfast in the morning because Lucy’s doing her duty for the first time since they got married. She is finally an incubator. And much like the tech incubators of today, she will become too big for her own good and the resulting product will be attractive but not behave properly.

Ricky can’t find anything in the kitchen. Not even the jokes, apparently. They spend 10 minutes showing us how inept he is. It’s like Bernie’s opening statements at the debate. We freaking know. You’ve said this before. Let’s move on to the good stuff.

Fred comes in and tells Ricky about how pregnant women are unpredictable “creatures.” I would comment but as a “creature” I’m anger-molting.

Ricky: Being an expectant father is pretty tough on a man.

They make a new dish called crapwaffles and leave the kitchen in worse condition than we left Iraq. Lucy and Ethel find the mess later:

Lucy: It’s the idea that counts.

No it isn’t.

Lucy: It just shows how much he loves me.

No it doesn’t.

But then Lucy starts to worry: what if Ricky is only being nice to her because of the baby?

Lucy: He never treated me this nice when it was just me.
Ethel: You’re just being crazy.

No she isn’t.

Lucy has a sad realization:

Lucy: After the baby’s born I’ll be just like a salmon: I’ll swim upstream, spawn, and then never be heard from again.

She makes a good point. We really need to be doing more to protect the salmon population in this country.

Ricky hasn’t forgotten Lucy, though! He brought her presents:

• a rattle – Lucy: “Just what I’ve always wanted”
• a bonnet – What Fred’s first girlfriend wore on the Oregon Trail.
• a diaper – The perfect place to put all your thoughts about these gifts

Upset, the womb with feet walks out crying. Ethel tries to explain Lucy’s behavior to Ricky, and she recommends he take Lucy out for dinner and dancing.

So he sends an orchid and some chocolates, and he takes her out to his club, along with Fred and Ethel.

Pro tip: when your wife wants to know you care about her, don’t take her to your office.

Ethel’s wearing a full gown and Lucy’s in a muu muu – rub it in, Ethel. We get it: you still look great and Lucy’s a bloated human stroller. You don’t need to lay it on so thick. 

Fred will keep her in line, though:

Ethel: (Re: Fred’s dancing) He puffs so much it’s like dancing with a steam engine.
Fred: Steam engines always puff when they’re carrying a heavy load.

Lucy asks them to stop bickering… and we get this amazing moment:

Ethel: We’re not bickering, that’s how we make love.

OMG I KNEW IT. MAKES PERFECT SENSE.

And then Ricky and Lucy dance.

Now if you’re thinking to yourself, “Geez, where was the plot in all that? You would be totally justified because this thing meandered more than Donald Trump on Planned Parenthood. It’s like the writers knew they didn’t need a plot at this point because they already had everyone so enchanted, and their bosses were so baby-crazy they wouldn’t care.

This episode, my friends, is what we in comedy call a “sketch.” Sketches usually run 3-4 minutes. 

So it’s not that pregnant women are unpredictable. It’s that a pregnant woman’s employees are lazy. That’s better.

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